Enchanted - 11/21/10

'The lingering question kept me up
2am, who do you love?
I wonder till I'm wide awake
Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say,
It was enchanting to meet you
All I know is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you'

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Oh the fantasticness of Taylor Swift (: Country music is a blessing in disguise for me. Gets me through the tough times, which I am definitely going through at the moment |:


I feel so caught in between lately. Stuck between who I am and who I want to be. Im lost on the road of broken dreams and make believe. Ive been living in the moment so much lately, Im no longer able to legitimately picture a future for myself. And its scary, but its lovely at the same time because I almost feel free in a way. Im no longer making false perceptions of who I am and trying to become someone I picture myself as in 20 years. Im letting myself go and its suddenly become the cause of so much pain. Im torn...but I guess enough of this and time to catch up on 5 months of no posting! Haha :D


Ive Managed To Find Someone New -

|Jordan Michael Brown| ♥ 8.20.10 ♥

So Corey broke up with me in March, I let myself take 5 months off of boys to recooperate, and Ive found myself with Jordan. This kid has been there for me since day one. We've been friends for around 6 years; living in the same neighborhood does that to people it seems. And through 8th grade to 9th, he was on and off with a girl named Kayla who absolutely despises me. I dislike her; she controlled Jordan so he couldnt talk to any of his friends, including me at the time, she acted like she owned Jordan, controlling everything he did, and she also liked to talk bad about all his friends that were girls. Cool cool, Imma big girl, I can handle it. But I also told him that he should drop her. And eventually he did. And now he's with me; which even before Corey and kinda during, I wanted to happen. He's definitely not a favorite amongst my friends. After Kayla he kinda got rude to everyone. But he's good to me most times, so Im thankful. All couples have their bad times, but not all of them put as much effort into it like we do. Its pretty nice having someone to count on whenever I need them like that. Definitely a step up from Corey :D

Speaking Of Corey -

He's definitely in my French class. A period where I deal with him almost an hour everyday. And at the beginning it was all about ignoring him as much as possible. Now though, its actually turned into a nice friendship. It almost feels like we're going back to the best friends stuff that we used to have. And thats all Ive ever wanted. I think both of us have put our relationship behind us; pretending like it never happened. And on days I really think about it like that, I guess it hurts a little 'cause 8 months of our lives were wasted on each other. But its better this way. He has a new girlfriend now; not sure that'll really work out, but Ill hope for the best for him. I have Jordan, so its definitely safe to be friends. Theres absolutely no feelings left there, and if ever should he ask me to go back to him, theres no doubt in my mind that I would say no. For around 2 months after he broke my heart I tried to get him back. But now I see that our relationship wasn't a healthy one, and things are better off left as is. I just dunno why it took me so long for me to think about things this way. Being friends is a positive though; he hurt me, angered me, I moved on, and friendship is closure and the final step. And its all I can really ask for anymore. One more chapter in history that I'll never reread again; I promise this to all who worried for me through that phase in my life.

Im Moving On Up -

Im on my school newspaper staff, and I am the only sophomore who has a position of leadership as Opinion Page Editor. This is definitely a big confidence boost. I spent 5 days at Ball State this summer, and it was THE BEST time of my life, hands down. I wish I could go back to that week all the time. And while its never going to happen again, I can only take from that and build upon it. Aaaand, over the course of this 14 weeks, my adviser has made it blatantly clear that I will be editor-in-chief next year. And this excites me and it scares me. I want to go into reporting/journalism as my career field, going to college at Ball State to major in News and Magazine journalism is my current goal. So this is how it excites me; 'cause Im one step closer to my dream. But it scares me 'cause next year I will be the sole editor-in-chief. As a page editor Im already stressing alot, and we have TWO editor-in-chiefs. Which is what scares me. This is going to consume my life next year. And as bad as things are in Newspaper with two editors, Im going to be on my own dealing with this. I wish I could blame the editors for this chaos, but I really truly can't. All I can do is pray that once I take over, I can handle control of 15 or so other reporters/page editors/photographers. Only time will tell!

Speaking Of Next Year -

I scheduled my Junior year of high school and boy will it be chaotic! My schedule is as follows;

AP US History - 2 semesters
AP English Literature - 2 semesters
AP Biology - 2 semesters
Pre-Calculus Honors - 2 semesters
French 2 - 2 semesters
Newspaper - 2 semesters
Photography - 1 semester
Psychology - 1 semester

Three AP classes, Editor of the school newspaper, Honors math, Foreign language, && two freebie classes. Im gonna die, enough said =P

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I think this is enough for a catch up post; or at least I hope it is.

Yours Truly,
Ry (:

Back To The Basics - 6/10/10

Bikinis,
Towels,
Soaking in the sun,
Oceans,
Beaches,
Just having fun,
Meeting cute boys,
Out after dark,
Swimming at the pool
&&
Hanging out at the park.
Summer 2010,
Let it begin.

Sunshine && Summertime <--Here I come ♥ ;
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Everything in that poem is definitely how I've decided to spend my summer. Im so tired of summer just being like a very extended weekend during the school year. Its like Im always waiting for the last day of school to come around, yet once I get to that final point in the school year, Im just counting down the days until I go back. Its so frustrating, but I truly can't help but want to go back to school. Its just instinct for me. My summers are always uber boring and jam packed with nothingness. I've decided its time for a change. A big one. I've kinda made a bucket list, but instead of before I die, its for before school is back in session.


- Go swimming every weekend!
- Make a summer playlist!
- Stay single ;)
- Get a guys number!
- Do something with friends at least once a week!
- Get a major tan!
- Work out every day!
- Start going on a walk or jog every day!
- Dance in the rain every time it storms!
- Sleep under the stars!
- Go camping!
- Get my hair naturally lighter from being outside!
- Spend more time with my family (:
- Grow out my nails!
- Make a new friend!
- Go on a long bike ride once a week!
- Add more days to my count-up for NOT hurting myself!
- Make drawing and painting a regular daily thing!
- Enjoy Ball State (:
- Get a new wardrobe and reorganize my room!


My summer bucket list of 20 things that I haven't done in summers past that I really want to do this summer. This really truly makes me happy to think that I might get all these things accomplished! They really aren't far out, and with the help of my friends and family, I really think that Summer '10 is gonna be a great vacation that I'll never forget (:

This summer is also gonna be spent at fairs and daydreaming from what I can tell. The fairs will be awesome, always are. The one thing aside from my birthday that I always look forward to in the summer. There's always one going on somewhere in Indiana. The daydreaming's fun. It'd be more exciting if it all actually came true. But I keep my standards low and my hopes lower. I've learned enough in life to know that if I keep this mindset, I'll come out with less hurt that if I got my hopes up. This way, Im expecting the worse, and when it happens, I'm prepared for it. If the best outcome occurs, then I'm pleasantly surprised and my mood will considerably brighten. Its all good. People think its a bad thing, but when you really truly think about it, it might now be the happiest and most pleasant way to think, but its the most logical. Its the path to lesser pain.

Im just spending my days thinking about when I can get out of here. My future. Once I turn 18 and Im out of the house, Im gonna get my ears pierced 2 more times each. Im gonna get a tattoo. Im gonna put purple streaks in my hair. I'll have a job and my own money. I'll go to college. Move on to my career path. I'll have my own car. The ability to go out and hang with friends. I'll have a cell phone that I can actually use to text and call people other than my parents. I'll move on to my career and I'll get married and I'll have kids and I'll move out to the country and I'll be the best parent and have all those weird pets I always wished I could have. I'll have the life that I've always wished for. I'll give myself everything I wanted that I never got. Or I'll try to find it from someone else. Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll make up for the years I put into my family.


S U M M E R 2 0 1 0 ♥


-Yours Truly,
Ry (:

Its Time For My Last Goodbye - 6/2/10

After all the things you put me through,
Tell me why I'm still in love with you.
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call?
You broke my heart,
I'm taking it back from you.
And taking back the life I gave to you
Life goes on before and after you.
I've got some growing up to do.

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Wishes by Superchick - Inspiration for this blog post. Thank God I found this song, it made me realize its time for my last goodbye. To anything and everything and anyone and everyone that tore me down. You made me a stronger person, but your memories are forever haunting my mind, and its time for it to end. I can't keep living like this. Its over. Its the past. I'm moving on.

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To The Scars That Grace My Body: Im so over this. Every single time I have to look down its all just painful memories. There's nothing happy about the things connected with you. One on my ankle, one on my knee, four on my hands, nine on my wrists, && seven on my lower stomach. Im definitely getting the constant reminders of my struggles I have had since I was 12. The beatings I gave myself, they disappeared. The memories are almost never there. But this is different. These are just faded. They aren't gone. Its just a faded scar and a vivid memory to each one. Twenty two different memories. Each a different story, a different reason, a different mood. Its never a nice blur though. With so many, you'd think that I could just mix the memories and it'd be over. But no. There was a deliberate purpose to each and every stroke of my nails against my skin as it rubbed it raw and open. As the tears of blood trailed down my arm or leg or whatever it was that time 'round, it was sure to make a lasting imprint upon my body and my mind. And it did. But now its time to say goodbye to these scars. I know they wont disappear, but with time I can only hope they fade into almost nothingness. Its time for me to say goodbye to these memories and focus on the fact that it has been 2 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day since I've hurt myself. Its time to focus on adding days to that number. Its time to give up on the people who helped put me in so much pain that I would do that. So to you my scars, goodbye.


To The Love That Broke My Heart: I gave you 8 months of my life. I loved you unconditionally. You really were everything I wanted in a guy. You were talented, and caring. Sweet and funny. Loving and adoring. Total music lover. You were friends with everyone. I waited...7 months-ish to go out with you. I filled the time with other guys, but there was a reason it didn't ever work out. I was always stuck on you. Looking back, I realize it was stupid, but I hadn't found anyone quite like you. As cliche as it is, it was like...love at first sight for me. Instant connection. I had so much hope that we'd make it through everything. And it looked like we would. And then as quick as the connection was for me, the disconnection for you was there in an instant. All I can remember was telling you that if you were trying to get me to break up with you, you could grow up and do it yourself. And so you did. And I was crushed. Publicly humiliated actually. You were just at home, all fine. I was in front of people, at an academic team meet at another school. It was awful. Pure misery. And two days after that I just scratched myself like nobody's business. The promise I had made to stop hurting myself, was made to you, and you meant nothing now, and so did that promise. And then I stopped. You're just a boy, Ill find someone else. So to you my almost lover, goodbye.


To The Guys Who Taught Me "Tough Love": You guys are the worst cousins I've ever met. I know that I don't know everything about how you grew up, but I did know discipline came from a wooden spoon and knives and guns were as common as food was in your house. And maybe that lead to the hell you put my sister and I through when we stayed the summers at your house. I can still remember the scorching hot days you made my sister and I walk while you biked all around town. Miles and miles a day. Nobody else cared, it was good exercise. Yeah, until you realize I had undiagnosed asthma and no inhaler. The heat...it killed me. But we pushed through it. Both of us. And then you decided we knew our way around, and you abandoned us in the woods and told us it was only a few miles back to the house, and good luck. You took the food and water we had from earlier, and left. I remember sobbing, holding my sister, and praying we wouldn't die. Hours of screaming to be found. Finally, we got out, and we made it back. If I hate anyone, its you. And I was the cousin you liked. The threats of knifes being thrown at me? Yeah, not funny. Those things were sharp. Oh, and hiding in the wardrobe thing and watching while I changed outta my bathing suit and into normal clothes? Nooot cool. Yeah, I found out about it. Sorry to burst your macho bubble, but not cool. And of course, we must not forget the fact that you got drunk while watching us, refused us food, and talked about how you were gonna take your girlfriends v-card even though she wanted to stay abstinent. But you know what, you tried to strangle my sister and that was it. I blew up at you and it felt good. And then we told. We haven't been back in 3 summers. Thank God. But I know that if I ever want to go back to the family reunion, I'll have to see you. So help me, someone will have to hold me back, 'cause this summer might be the first time I see you since we told. If you even talk to me, someone's getting hurt, and I will promise you, it won't be me. But you're just a memory now. You haunt my every move, and I can't look at sharp objects the same. But you know what, Im better than you are, and Im better than these memories, and Im moving on. I would say see you in Hell, but I won't be there. So to the guys who broke me, goodbye.

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That was it. My final goodbyes. Sigh...I only hope this helps. Im sick over all of this right now, so this will be as far as I go.


-Yours Truly,
Ry

My Release - 5/30/10

“Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotion know what it means to want to escape from these”

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This Storm

I should have seen this coming,
Like the trees see the storm.
This storm had been brewing,
Building itself up.

1 month in and all was calm,
The love has just set in,
And I bask in the warmth
Of a lovers smile.

The second was as good as the first,
No clouds in the sky,
Starry nights,
They set the mood for now.

We've made it to 3,
But this isn't like before.
The winds are picking up,
And so do our voices in the middle of a fight.

Now at 4 it starts a climb,
Wild,
Random twists,
The rain starts its patter at my feet.

One more month and Im at a loss.
The skies are green,
The rain is gone.
Ill take the calm without complaints.

We've made it to six.
The hurricane comes rolling in,
Relentlessly attacking me from all angles.
Im being enveloped in the cold.

Onto 7 and its no better than the one before.
Waves of emotion,
Beating down like the waves of the ocean.
We're getting swept away in different directions.

Month number 8 and I cant find you.
Where are you love?
You're never coming back to me.
So I lay here stranded, caught up in my tears.

I should have seen this coming,
I ignored it for too long
But now Im lost,
And so are you.

8 months gone,
I cant get them back.
Precious memories are worthless,
And so are any thoughts of you.

I love you.
I loved you.
I hate you.
And still do.



If By Chance

If by chance
You miss me,
Ill be here,
Waiting.

If by chance
You love me,
Ill be here,
Wanting.

If by chance
You cant live without me,
Ill be here,
Forgiving.

If by chance
You find another,
Ill be here,
Wishing.

If by chance
You want her more,
Ill be here,
Questioning.

If by chance
You compliment her
Ill be here,
Hurting.

But if by chance
You love her,
I wont be here.
Im through.



Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time,
I worshipped you,
I hung on every word you spoke.
Each syllable,
I listened for,
Emphasizing in my head,
As if you were a god
Speaking to the lower people
Of the cruel Earth,
And blessing us.
With every breath you took,
I took one too,
Synchronizing the falling of our chests.
I talked as if you put the stars in the sky,
The most beautiful things,
Aside from you.
I memorized your features,
Your eyes,
Your mouth
Your cheekbones.
I knew you better than anyone else,
Than I even knew myself.
I put everything I had in you.
Every spare second
Of every minute
Of every hour
Of every day.
And for what?
You never paid me back.
All I asked for was love.
The only price to pay.
You were adored,
Loved,
Special in my eyes.
What more did you want?
You wanted her,
Thats what.
And I couldn't be her.
No matter how hard I tried,
I never amounted to that.
The goddess by your side now,
As I pass you in the streets.
Heaven's perfect match.
As I see you,
Im crushed.
Broken.
Torn.
And its right here,
Right now,
That I give up.



Trapped For Eternity

Maybe,
Just maybe,
Ill find myself again.
Im unsure,
Of where Im going.
Who I am.
Who I want to be.
What I want in life.
This maze of memories,
A labyrinth of pain,
The haze in my mind.
They trap me here.
Keeping me stuck,
Never letting me leave
Or move on.
I can't get out.
I don't know where I started,
Where I am
Or where Im going.
If only I knew.
A hint,
A clue,
Anything that could help me,
Please find me now.
I need help.
I cant do this alone.
Im not strong enough.
This silence,
Confusion,
Pain,
Darkness.
Its haunting me.
With every step
I fall farther.
With every movement
I stumble.
Im going nowhere,
And Im going fast.
I twist and turn,
I beg and plead,
But nothing,
Nothing,
Will ever save me.
Im to be forever lost.
Trapped for eternity,
Never to be found.



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Four new poems. Everything negative Ive felt lately because I just cant write happy poetry. Lacking the experience behind that emotion =P Review? Please and thank you (:

(This is my attempt at looking productive lately! [Even though these took like...5 minutes each...])


-Yours Truly
Ryanne (:

No Regrets - 5/27/10

"Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets."

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Lost

You lay down
Saddened,
Another day of heartbreak
Another day of misery.
There you go,
Passing the time inside your thoughts.
You're lost there aren't you?
Will you ever come back?
I doubt it.
You haven't yet.
You step to the outer bounds of your mind,
And like a scared child,
You curl back into the warmth of safety,
The repetition,
The schedule,
The knowledge that you're well enough off now.
You take no chances,
And make no mistakes.
Yet,
This is a mistake.
And you swear on "No Regrets"
And yet you regret this.
You regret your choice
Not taking any chances.
Does life hold any value for you anymore?
No,
I doubt it does.
I'll save you the energy,
The trouble of forming the words
That I'll so obviously hear from you.
The same lies you've been feeding me
For 15 years.
Where's your originality?
Is it lost like you are?
I cant find it.
I cant find you either.
Im searching,
Trying so hard.
My efforts are wasted though.
Ill never find you.
Not sure I'd really want to,
Ive never known the real you,
The real person person behind the mask,
Not the impersonator you put out to fool me.
Ill never know the truth,
And sadly,
Neither will you.

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Ive always lived by "No Regrets". This poem is the inner me talking to the fake me that I put out there for so many people. I am the inner me sometimes. I just break down the walls and let myself go. But the walls rebuild themselves faster than I can rebuild my life, and Im stuck, never making any gains in life. I dunno where Im trying to go with myself. If you asked me where I see myself in five years, Id tell you something about being in college with a major in criminology or mass communications in the works. To be honest, I dont know. And I know Im young, but its not just college. Its everything. My whole life I have ahead of me...Its just a blur. A hazy fog that I cant break through. But maybe, if I hope and pray and wish enough, Ill find where Im going. Ill truly live by No Regrets. Ill completely accept who I am, I wont accept less that I deserve, and Ill take chances. But until then, Im stuck living "(Almost) No Regrets".

-Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

Scars - 5/26/10

"And our scars remind us,
That the past is real.
I tear my heart open,
Just to feel."

- Scars by Papa Roach

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Im Free

You sit there,
Staring,
Prodding me with your eyes.
I am the specimen
To your experiment of life.
I cant turn and run anymore.
Im trapped,
Held in this position
With the icy glare you give me.
I cant stand it.
The daggers you shoot
Are meant for me and me only.
The sharp points hit me where it hurts,
Right in my heart,
My soul,
My being.
And I only wish you knew.
Though Im sure,
If searched deep enough,
You already do.
The blades are only imaginary,
For I wouldn't survive if they weren't.
But the pain,
The gut wrenching
Heart breaking pain,
Its real.
You've built me from the bottom up,
Only to be the one to knock me down.
You knew my weaknesses,
You put them there.
I was unaware at the time
Foolishly trusting in you.
The emotional pain is too much,
Weaving itself into my life.
It doesn't belong,
Doesn't have a place.
I have to find a way to let it all go.
So I take control,
In the only way I see fit.
You may have daggers,
But they cannot penetrate my body,
Only my composure.
I have weapons though,
And they can break the skin,
Which I make sure they do.
With each pull of the blade
Sliding gracefully across the frosty front
I put up years ago,
I feel the world let go,
Its death grip on my heart and lungs,
Its gone.
Im safe now.
I feel it.
The rush,
It comforts me,
Embraces me,
Like you never would.
Not like you ever could.
The chill of the blade,
It calms me.
It lifts the fog thats formed,
The haze that traps me here.
Im free,
I found the key to this cage,
The one you constructed around me,
So many years ago.
The shape was unusual,
Though familiar.
I found release in the oddest of places.
And it feels good.
You no longer have control.
I do.
And you will never,
Ever,
Get it back.

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If only I could have sent this out to every person whose ever made me feel this way. And 2 months back, this was all true...and some days, I wish it still was. I stopped, but that urge is still there. There are days where all I want to do is just crawl to my bed and drop the walls and give in to the blade. The temptation takes self control to push away. And with all the talk of hurting and the down turn of events in my life, I need this...but then I look at my scars and I have to ask myself if I also need those while Im at it. Its a package deal. Cant get one without the other. And it hurts to know. I gave up bruising myself, I gave up scratching myself, I gave up everything I used to cope. And I found drawing and writing, and yet, its never enough. There's still a tug in my brain telling me that if only I did it one more time...if only.

I just read the book Cut by Patricia McCormick. Oh lord, how I could relate. I cried. I got sick over it. I was shaking. I totally broke down. Hyperventilating, the whole deal. Yet each time I tried to stop reading, I couldn't. 15O pages of mental suffering. I just wanted to know if she got better. If there was hope. That maybe this could get better for me. And in the end, she said the wanting feeling was there. The wanting to get better. And I kinda felt it too. I have a therapist appointment on the 3rd of June. And I think it'll be the most open I've been in awhile. It'll be my last desperate plea for help. And if I don't see the help, then Im just going to be at a loss. I'll pray and hope that it'll get better though. Its all I have left.


-Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

What Would You Do - 5/25/10

"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"

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I'd Walk Right Through The Battlefields Of War And I'd End It All Right There: In the midst of the showering bullets and the pools of blood and the bodies of the lost and the pieces of the broken hearted, I'd end it all. The wars would be over. We could curl up with our families in front of the fireplaces and breathe the sigh of relief we've needed since the dawn of time. Peace for our time and all of the ones after that. The broken ties we've lived with for years would be mended. I wouldn't even care to be recognized for it. I'd rather let the world think that it finally just understood that the time was then to stop fighting. And yet the efforts of our veterans and the ones who've lost their lives to the brutal hands of war would not be in vain. They'd be honored like no others before them, for each person who didn't care who they killed as long as they killed there was a soldier out there who had in mind a handful of people they were personally fighting for. And we'd gather in the streets for our one last "Hurrah!" of the ends of destruction and from there our world would develop into something unknown to man for centuries. The purity of lives that had been intended for us when we were ready to take it, would begin. How wonderful it would be.

I'd Find The Cure For Lupus And All The Other Diseases Of The World: As selfish as it is, I've always wanted to live the life of a kid who had both parents fully functional. My mom was functional enough to build me up at 4 years old to be tested to go into school early. She put everything she had into my childhood. Always helping out, always taking me to sports or something. She still had Lupus, but it didn't flare like it does now. It hadn't begun to show its ugly face to us. And then without knowing the complications that could follow, my mom got pregnant with my sister. And soon after my mom started deteriorating right in front of my eyes. And there was nothing I could do at 5 years old to save her. And I still cant at 15. And the doctors can't either. And if I could do anything, I'd save her. And Id save everyone else with diseases, so nobody else has to feel the pain that my family and I have suffered because of this. My one true wish every day is for my mom to get better. The one thing I want more than anything else. And I know it will never come true, but one can only hope.

I'd Save My Friends From Themselves: There are two people I am writing this for. They both read my blog, only one knows me in real life, but Im protective of both even though they're both older than I am. I've spent the past year of my life destroying my body with the markings of my nails. And I wish I could take everything back. I've always lived by the saying "No Regrets", but this is the one thing in my life that I actually regret. 'Cause I've grown up and looking back on it, it was stupid. A simple mistake and lack of self control. God, just think, Ill have to explain this to my children. "Mommy, why do you have those dark spots on your arm? Did you get bruises? Are you hurt?". Only emotionally Im afraid. The physical hurt left a long time ago. And no those aren't bruises, those are scars. If only I could turn back the clocks and get rid of these things. But if I did that I'd never have the experience to tell you this: Its not worth it. At all.

You are worth so much more to this world than you would ever imagine. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world. And I care about you both. More than you probably know. Every time I read the words that tell me that you've hurt yourself again just crush me. They tear me to pieces. And you know, it hurts twice as bad when you can understand the pain thats usually behind each stroke of your nail or the blade. And it may sound hypocritical of me because I've been in that position, but the thing is, I stopped. I think I deserve the right to hate everything you're doing because I hated it when I did it and I hated it enough to stop doing it. I pray for you. Every day. And I pray that one day you'll realize everything that you're putting people through with this. And I pray that I'll believe you when you tell me you'll stop, or you want to. That I'll finally find the truth in your words. And until that day comes, I just continue to pray with all I have. I love you guys and I don't want this for you and I never will.

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If I had the chance, I'd change the world. But its all the things that I wish I could change that make me who I am, that make you who you are, and that make the world what its come to today. And some things never change, and some things never should. The world in the hands of peace and love is a place of lies. Its unnatural. And wish it was different or not, life will just continue down its path, just like each person in it.

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Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

For All The Ones Who Never Knew - 5/23/10

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

Tor, this blog is all for you (: You deserve it!

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Dear Tor,

I know the words my fingers are forming across this screen will never add up to the words you deserve to hear. I just know it. But I also know that I really need to try to make sure that you understand how much you mean to me and that all the little things you've done for me have changed my life for the better. I dunno if you can remember just how bad I used to be. I try not to remember it, but its so clearly burned into my memory that I'll always be able to recall those times. I was so lost. I was afraid. Of the world, of trust, of new people...of myself. And then I magically met you. Chatzy definitely helped us keep in touch, and then Yahoo and Myyearbook when that wasn't available to us. I truthfully think that you and Ash were the only people on there that I was truly a great friend with. We had our fights and we had our problems along the way, but we always worked things out and apologized for our words. And Im glad we did, 'cause thats not how I wanna have to stop talking to you. Id rather die than the last words I say to you be bitter. I just wouldn't be able to handle that. Especially after everything you've helped me through. You knew about my scratching, my thoughts, my problems, my situation, my past. You knew it all. And I still try to keep you updated. But then you told me about your problems too. And I found out a lot about you. And it was nice to know that I was trusted enough by you for you to lemme know that stuff. I still remember going to whatever lengths it was to communicate with you, especially when you would leave Chatzy 'cause of what everyone else was saying. You had every right to say the things you did and when you left, I would get on Yahoo or whatever to try and find you and calm you down. I hope I helped.

You know what, the point of this wasn't to recap our history, though thats important too. This was supposed to be more of a thank you. So here it goes.

Thank you Tor. You mean everything to me, and I swear the words I say are true. You are the reason I stopped scratching. I didnt want to disappoint you. I look up to you like you wouldn't image. You're just one of those people to me. You're a forever friend too (: Everything you've done for me was everything that saved me. I thought I wasn't gonna get through March or the months that came previous to it. But because of you and select others, I made it. I didn't kill myself. I stopped scratching. I stopped thinking about hurting myself. I learned to cope. It was always for you Tor. The day you came into my life was the day that I was saved from myself. Thank you. I cant say anymore than that. Thank you.

I love you Tor, and I always will. You're one of the best and I hope the best for you and Jay and your future. You're futures so bright, you gotta wear shades B) Teehee, good luck in college!

-Love Always,
Ryanne (:

You Are My Forever Friend - 5/22/10

You'll never know how much you meant
You'll never know how much you still do,
You'll never understand the way I think
And the way I feel for you.
But if by chance realization dawns
And it finally all gets through,
I'll hope that you will feel the same
And I'll forever be with you.

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Thats it, its over. My freshman year has said its bittersweet goodbyes to me. Whilst my friends are still fretting over their finals that they could have avoided by some odd point percentages, I've managed to pull my grades above the finals line and I'm done. I'll see you in August Whiteland, 'cause Im out ;)

But still, I'll miss school. It was my one constant connection to friends and all the things I love so dearly. Call me what you wish, nerd, lame-o, whatever, but you know you'll miss it too. The constant beat of the shoes in the school hallways, the random gossip you pick up, the fashion do's (and dont's!), the slamming of the locker doors, the minute warning to get to class. You'll miss it and so will I. Ahh well, sunshine and summertime, here I come (:

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On another bitter sweet note, sooo much has happened this past month. Im gonna hafta update yahh on it. All of it.


I'm Taking A Break From Relationships: For those of you who know me well enough, that was the equivalent of me saying that Im going to the convents to become a nun. If you don't know me well enough...you'll still probably understand as much. But I'm seriously just...over the relationships. They're great if you can find the right person. Absolutely wonderful. Through all the fighting and bad times, when you can come out of that with the one person you love, you've got it good. But Im 2 months away from 15 and Im sure I wont find that person right now. So Im starting to feel as if I should stop even trying for a little bit and make sure that my heart and emotions can take a heart break when I fall for someone that wont catch me in the end. Or that my heart and emotions can take it when I have to admit that I fell out of love with someone who's still pining away at me with all they've got. I dont wanna have to take that pain, or give that pain right now. Ive got so much going on right now. Its just...the additional heavyweight on my shoulders that I dont want. Maybe when school starts again. Just maybe...

I'm Making An Effort Towards My Happiness: If you truly know me, and I mean, really truly absolutely know me, you'll know about my past. You'll probably know more than I ever wanted to tell you. But you made me feel comfortable enough with you that I could tell you. Either you knew what I went through or you are just that kind of person that makes me wanna trust you with the world. Or maybe you're both, but whatever you are to me, you know. And you'll know that the events of my life hit me hard, and I didn't handle it as well as I should have. Well its been 2 months. And you dont know how much effort that took on my part. It took everything I had. Ive started putting so much into my future and my school and my life that I dont want to do that anymore. Well thats a lie. When times gets hard, I do want to do it again. But now I cope. Yeah, thats right. I cope. The one thing Ive been trying to do for the longest time, Ive finally accomplished. Ive never been prouder of myself. And you know what, its because of all of the things I was smart enough to let go of, and all of the things I was lucky enough to become part of. I let go of Corey and I wound up finding Greg and Ashley. I was forced to give up choir today due to scheduling conflicts, but I gained Newspaper. I'll be a proud member of Whiteland's Smoke Signals newspaper staff come next August. I'll be going to Ball State this summer for workshops, and I'll start at an upperclassmen position as a sophomore. Ive got the world rooting for me and God and my friends and family by my side. Life. Is. Good.

I Found New "Forever Friends": Forever friends, has been defined by this quote:

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend hold your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.

I've found two forever friends this year. Just in these past few months actually. Its amazing how little it takes to realize that someone is meant to be a great friend. Maybe thats just it. Maybe when its that instant connection and the instant bond that connects you finds two people, you just know. From this quote, this sounds like youre lucky just to find one person like this in a lifetime. Well by the looks of things, Ive found two in just a matter of months. How lucky I am.

Ashley: Darling, we've met under the most unusual of circumstances. If we had turned back the clocks to 6 months ago and someone had asked me if I'd ever think I'd find as good as a friend as you are, and if I'd ever think that we'd meet the way we did, I'd have to ask them if they'd like to be sent to a mental institution, 'cause that's just crazy. But here we are, sisters bonded by similarities that are scary to even think about. Our past and our present and our personalities, they are so alike. Its like God duplicated the same person and put them into two different bodies. I guess we're just such great people there had to be two of us out there! Now every single thing in our life might not match up, but I have to say they're pretty darn close. You know so much about me. You're one of those forever friends. Things should have gotten awkward between us waaaay back to when we met, but it didnt. Im not sure what kind of magic it took, but I think we were just meant to be 'sisters' like this, no matter the situation. Im so glad I met you. Im so glad that through everything that this life has thrown at you, youve been strong enough to make it up to this day. I dont wanna have to be without yahh, so even though you're gonna be graduating soon, we've gotta stick together, alright? Good (: I love you sissy! <3

Greg: Hunn, where do I begin with you? Lemme say this much: you are a complete dork, but I love you regardless ;) Now you told me about the 3 different kinds of love and Im glad you did. I can tell you I love you and you'll understand that its the best friends sorta love, and you'll never miss out on the chance to hear the words "I love you" because someone didn't understand that it didnt always have to be a lust kind of thing. We started out as meeting at the lunch table when I went to sit with Bradi. And then we were friends, but we still didnt talk outside of the lunch room. And then all of a sudden I showed up to do Bye Bye Birdie tech crew, and there you were. Haha, I can still remember the surprise at finding you there. Im glad you were there though, 'cause that really started our forever friendship. Right there at that point, I knew we'd be great friends. Tech crew was the best experience ever. Even though you definitely ditched us for Franklin's prom on opening night (you'll never live it down!) you picked up the slack the rest of the time. You definitely helped me stay calm when all I wanted to do was freak out under the stress. And after that was over, we started talking outside of school and between classes and we definitely became best friends. I dont care if you're a going to Ivy Tech, we're staying in touch, mkay? Glad we got that covered. I love you best friend! <3

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Yahh know what, I think Im just going to stop there for today. Ive got something that I wanna write, but it needs to go on a separate blog post, and I dont think that writing it at 2 in the morning will wind up being any good. I dunno how much justice I can give something like that. And there are some negative things, but those too need to go on a separate post.

So thats all for now (:

Much Love,
Ryanne <3

Things Change - 04/11/10

So I haven't posted in 2 months...wow. I feel like such a slacker. This won't follow the normal formats Ive kept up, so just bear with me. I most definitely need to update you guys on my life.

My Heart Was Broken 3/16/10 Yuppers, it happened. I cant forget it, get it out of my head...He broke up with me. Corey said that he wanted to just give us time to work on ourselves before we worked on a relationship. I begged and I pleaded. He was kinda heartless about it. The more I wanted it to be taken back, the more he wanted it to be permanent. But I will NOT place the blame upon myself for this. I did nothing wrong. And I guess Im actually happier without him. Especially after seeing how he is with his new girlfriend (yeah, it wasn't about finding someone new, yet he went and found her...)

I had choir dance auditions last Monday, 4/5/10, and Corey's new girlfriend Alyce was trying out too. Now I was friends with her before and everything, but she came in through those doors and I saw it...a hickey bigger than the size of a half dollar near her chest. Wooow, whadda whore move Corey. Way to go. You sure didnt help her reputation any you idiot. So everyone saw it, I said it was whorish, she ignored me, my friends consoled me...but the best part was when we were learning our dance. Lmao, she couldnt get it for the life of her. Since when was spinning in circles so difficult for a pixie like her? I think reality smacked her across the face and her Prince Charming cannot help her now. But, he might help her get knocked up in a month. Anyone taking bets? I would, but Im not sure they'd last that long. Imma witch, I know, but come on, its whats keeping me going right now.

Im in the process of talking to a new guy. Im super happy about it, I feel so much better with him. He's a total sweetheart, and he cares. And he knows about the things Ive done in the past and am doing still today, and hes still talking to me. If only he didnt live 45 minutes away. But he has family where I live, so just another reason to visit more I suppose ;)


I Made A New Close Friend Katrina Schwamberger, you wont read this, but you have probably saved me these past few days. Really truly you have.

Now the first semester of school I kinda thought Katrina was a little annoying. But after Spring Break we came back to school and suddenly I found myself talking to her. I would tell her not to try so hard with her makeup and stuff, and not to let people get her down, and to be happy when she was sad. I saw how bad she was hurting and I know how it feels. I helped her. She started confiding in me. I truly think Im one of her closest friends now. She tells me one heck of a lot of stuff. And she trusts me. And she doesn't know the bad things Ive done, but I think shed be forgiving of me...Shes a good friend, I tell her alot of stuff too. Its nice to have someone to talk to about things halfway through the day.

I Realized How Stupid Ive Been So I have a board in my bedroom that is half cork board and half dry erase board. On the cork board side I have awesome quotes and pictures of friends and I and tickets and pins. On the dry erase side I have something that says: Erin Took Over On: and then it has dates of the days she's come over. We used to hang out every other week, if not every week, and then the days after Corey broke up with me, I went to check the board again. Erin had signed 2 times since I went out with Corey, and then I remembered I had been over to her house once. I seriously cried, and I told her about it. Now, she doesnt hang out with me anymore 'cause of her boyfriend, but I did the same thing and I realized how stupid I was. I feel terrible...Its not fair to her, and I let a few months of a boyfriend overpower 5 years of a best friend. Im working on it now though. I hung out with friends all this weekend, first time in 9 months, and I feel great.


I Scratched Myself Nine More Times Yeeeah, not something Im proud of. My scratch count is up to 20 even, and Im losing control. I need help, but Im barely getting any. These meds wont start working for another 3 weeks. Im not sure I'll make it until then.

Thursday night everything caught up with me. My dad's dad had died Wednesday, I had had it with all the fighting, the drama, everything. But I didnt scratch 'cause I remembered the promise I had made to Corey. Now I cut off communication with Corey the day I saw his new girlfriend and her hickey. So I remembered that he meant nothing to me now, so that promise meant nothing to me. I scratched 9 times. 8 of them were for the 8 months I hadnt scratched and had wasted on Corey. The 9th scratch was for the month after he had broken up with me and all the pain I had experienced since then. I was over it. The smallest was an inch long. The two longest went up my sides. One on each side, from my waistband to my rib cage. It was terrible, and it hurts soo bad in the chlorine of the pool.


I Found A Definite Religion For Myself The other day I was looking on a friend's profile page, and her religion said "Unitarian", so having never heard of it before, I went and looked it up. And it described my beliefs perfectly. Its still a Christian religion though, just slightly different. The main points of that religion are:

- Belief in One God and the oneness or unity of God (We reject the Trinity)
- The life and teachings of Jesus Christ constitute the exemplar model for living one's own life.
- Reason, rational thought, science, and philosophy coexist with faith in God.
- Humans have the ability to exercise free will in a responsible, constructive and ethical manner with the assistance of religion.
- Human nature in its present condition is neither inherently corrupt nor depraved (see Original Sin), but capable of both good and evil, as God intended.
- Conviction that no religion can claim an absolute monopoly on the Holy Spirit or theological truth.
- Though the authors of the Bible were inspired by God, they were humans and therefore subject to human error.
- Rejection of traditional doctrines that they believe malign God's character or veil the true nature and mission of Jesus Christ, such as the doctrines of predestination, eternal damnation, and the vicarious sacrifice or satisfaction theory of the Atonement.

And I am the form of Unitarianism that believes that Jesus did not exist as a person before human life, and that Jesus is not God himself.


I Found New Favorite Quotes

- I wanna be your favorite hello && your hardest goodbye.
- If you ran like your mouth you'd be in shape.
- One finger up and I'm out, 'cause you aren't even worth two.
- Life is like photography, you develop from the negatives.
- If home is where the heart is, why'd I ever leave your arms?
- There's 400 miles between us && I want them gone.
- One smile can't change the world, but your smile changes mine.
- The caged bird sings a soft song of sorrow, wistfully wishing for a livable tomorrow. (From a poem of mine.)
- I owe you nothing && you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.


All done for the day. Glad to be back to blogging, might do it more often.

- Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

Sorrow - 2/5/10

I truthfully didnt think I'd find this when I got on Chatzy today:

KavyaK: I miss Ry...
Lancey: Mhmm.
Lancey: I agree.
Lancey: She is working herself so hard, she barley ever comes on.
Lancey: (And she stopped her blog posts)
KavyaK: I knw...
KavyaK: :(
Lancey nods.
Lancey: I think she needs that time. To reflect. I know I do.
KavyaK: Wat happened to her?

You miss me? I wasnt aware I was there to begin with. I feel as if Ive been flitting in and out of my reality. And therefore completely butchering my reality...

Agh, Im so sorry guys. I feel like Ive failed you, but Im just trying to take care of myself before Im in too deep. I guess I have so explaining to do for those of you who have missed my talks about things. Here it goes... :|

So I stopped therapy and meds in July/August due to the fact that the meds made me want to die and the therapy made me feel better and I thought I was all fixed. Pshh, that was mistake number 1. So between my family getting snippy with each other, my mom being sick, my own personal illness, the pressure I put on myself to do well in school, and my nostalgia for what once was, I broke down. Completely let myself get screwed over by my emotions. So I scratched the skin raw on my body in the following places: 4 times on my wrist, 4 times on my forearm, 2 times on the skin right below my stomach, 1 time on my knee cap, and 2 times on my left hand index finger. Its kinda terrifying how far Im letting myself fall.

Anyways, so I did that, and I asked one of my teachers if I could talk to her. And she asked if I needed her or the counselor. So I showed her my arm 'cause I couldnt even speak it. And she took me down to Guidance, and they told my dad. Yeah..not good. So my dad made me a therapist appt. that day. And I talked it out and I actually had hope for me getting better. Mistake number 2 Im afraid. So 3 days ago (Tuesday) I got a phone call from my therapist's office. Basically, she had been moved to a new facility and I was screwed. At least thats how I interpreted it. But anyways, I feel as if Im in so deep that I dont have time to "get to know" a new therapist. But I have to. Its not my decision, 'cause we all know I cant go this alone. So Im trying to pick up my moods and not scratch again. And Corey's been deprived of his phone, so Ive resorted to talking to his mom (Who let me call her phone and talk to him for 30 minutes!) about all this. So...we'll see how this goes.

Please note: These meds have drained me, so I just sleep once I get home, explaining some of my absence. But now that I saw that, I think Im more motivated to pull through. Im trying guys, I really am :|

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Im addicted to this song now, and it'll be my art section for the day -

Sorrow by Flyleaf

Sometimes life seems too quiet
Into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark
Meant to make me strong

Familiar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow last through this night
I'll take this piece of You
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

And we kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's halfway mine
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by His angel light

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me
And up into the stars

Joy will come






AND THATS ALL!

Yours Truly,
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment, Read, Review, Suggest.
P.P.S. - I wrote this to update you, so its lacking organization :|
P.P.P.S. - If you liked the lyrics, heres the song -> Sorrow by Flyleaf

Dear Me - 1/26/10

): <---All of my emotion summed up into one emoticon.

Dear Me,

You might not understand things now, but Im sure you will later. Or actually, Im hoping you will later. Im not sure how the future works, but Im gonna do all I can to change the bad things that are 99.9% gonna happen. Im going to take that .1% and turn things around. Thats all I really need. Give me .1% of a chance and you've given me hope. I don't know what's been going on in that head of yours. When you looked in the mirror today you look so sad. I dont know what happened to you, but it did. Seemingly overnight. Things are spiraling downward for you and Im not sure how you're going to pick yourself back up. But Im sure you will. You'll find a way. You're "driven" as they say. And being down isn't good enough for you. Just like your grades arent good enough for you. Just like life isnt good enough for you. Just like everything isn't good enough for you.

Today I saw a different person in you. You were so down that you couldnt even hide it anymore. Everything was breaking down the walls that you put up. *BANG BANG BANG* And the walls fall down. You cant hide things anymore and you know it. And you know where this all started from? Your inability to handle yourself and your emotions. Look at what you did to yourself. Look at it. Don't act like you can't see it. Right there, there on your wrist. Those scratches. I know you see them. Just like your emotions, you cant hide them anymore. What a hypocrite. You get mad at others for cutting and then you go and scratch your skin raw. I understand youre frustrated, but who do you think you are to go and tell off other people and do something similar to yourself, in the same day no less! I dont care if you dont realize what youre doing until after its done. I dont care anymore. Just like you dont care.

You gave up caring the other day. I saw it when you looked in the mirror the other day. I looked in your eyes and I saw the emptiness and the fire of passion for living reduced to ashes. You tried though. Ill give you that. You tried. Not hard enough, but you tried. Look at all those pretty drawings you made. Look at all the poetry you write. Look at all the people you have that care for you. Why dont you look at the resources you have and use them? You waste the wonderful gift of having someone who cares. There are people out there who would love that gift. And you just look at it as pity and you dont take the chance. And here we all were thinking you were smart and good.

I know this is hard for you to read. Heck, its hard to write. But its the truth, and you need to realize and accept the truth so you can accept the help. The help isnt going to get through to you if the understanding of what you've done hasn't gotten through to you. Im writing this so you can accept and move on. This is your chance to have proof of what you did. And now you can look back on this and say, "This is what I did wrong." and then you can point to your achievements and say, "This is what I did to change the wrong. This is what I did right." This is for you, self. Take the chance and do something with it. Dont waste this opportunity like you did every other.


-Yours Truly
The Voice Inside Of You

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Sadly In My Corner

Sadly in my corner,
I sit and write the name
Of every single person
Who thought this was a game.

Sadly in my corner,
With my mouth curled in a frown
I think of all the people
That really put me down.

Sadly in my corner,
Vulnerable and weak
I think of all the times
I decided not to speak.

Sadly in my corner,
I say a little prayer
For the voice of reason
To come and find me there.

Sadly in my corner
I write the last goodbye
I rest my head into my hands,
And simply start to cry.

Sadly in my corner
I begin to see the light
I see the pills are kicking in,
And I begin to fight.

Sadly in my corner
I finally realize my wrong
As I find my way to heaven
And sadly sing a song.

Sadly in my corner
As I greet Heavens gate
I think about how life once was
And how what I had was great.

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Thats all for today :|

-Yours Truly,
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment, Review, Suggest, Reply, HELP.
P.P.S. - Suggest others to this blog.

Cutting - 1/24/10

No offense, but any kind of self-injurer is an idiot. Yes, I just called myself an idiot, but its true, you aren't going to get anywhere with this -

So a friend of mine has decided that instead of avoiding the problem of being suicidal and depression, she is going to face this problem head on...by cutting. All I can say is, "Who do you think you're helping by cutting yourself?" Like I wasn't worried enough about you in the first place, now you are going to go and cut yourself. How lovely. I'll begin the countdown to your death, because if you're stupid enough to start an addiction and say you are no magically no longer suicidal and just needed to do this, you're going to die. Because you don't need to do this...AGH! I just hate this...hate it, hate it, HATE IT. This is what she posted (ALONG WITH A FREAKIN' PICTURE OF HER CUT ON HER LEG!)

"I did it. Just on my leg, nothing really. I just needed to do it - prove it to others and prove it to myself. I am capable of it. I'm not suicidal. That's why I just did it on my leg. But I was sick of being scared and weak. I took on my enemy and tackled him down. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to live my life focused solely on that. I can live my life now. I can."

Waaaait a minute, did you just say "nothing really"? Oh yes, that cut I made on my leg? Yeah, thats nothing really. What the heck? It is something though! I don't know what makes you think its nothing really. Thats just like me saying, oh that leg encased in bruises? Thats nothing really.

Did you not realize that you just gave yourself a constant reminder of the pain you've been going through? "I dont have to live my life focused solely on that." Actually, from what I know, your life wasn't focused solely on that to begin with. But now you just made sure that you have a reminder to focus you back on the pain.

Im disgusted at how twisted it was of her (or you, because I know you're going to read this...) to post a picture of that cut...I was completely disgusted and went to throw up as soon as I saw that. Twisted.

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Btw, as I searced "self-harm" in Google Images in order to come up with the pictures for this, I was completely disgusted. My bruising was absolutely no better than this, but now that I see this stuff...ick.
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Picking Up The Pieces - 1/23/10

Nothing hurts more than feeling second-best. <--I feel this often :/

When you purposely say that you will not do the right thing and that you will screw up a relationship because the other person messed up, I lose respect for you in an instant. Sorry Dad, Im such a Daddy's Girl and I tell you everything and you have to be both parents for me and Jordan, but...Ive lost respect for you as you destroy the relationship you have with you kids because you want to prove your authority...


Alright, ranting day...hmm...mkay, story time -

Looking in the mirror the young girl sits at the edge of the bathroom counter, peers into the mirror, and examines the face that she puts on for the rest of the world.

Eyeliner and mascara to make her eyes look less red - Check. Powder to make the flush of her constant fever go away - Check. Concealer to hide the purple under her eyes - Check. Lip gloss to make her lips look natural and not ghostly pale and blue - Check. Fake smile to hide the emotions - Check. Eyes that hide the truth - Check.

She's ready to start her day as someone she doesn't even know. A stranger.

And she's slowly building up her confidence inside to take that one day every month or so that she takes off the makeup and discards the fancy clothes for sweats and a t-shirt. The day that the world finally sees how bad she truly is.

Shes cold inside and feverish outside. Shes sick, but she doesn't want pity. She needs help but she doesn't want to end up like her mom. Shes angry but she doesn't want to have someone else listen to her problems. Shes sad but she doesn't want to waste her tears. Shes depressed but she doesn't want to take the pills. Shes tired but she doesn't want to waste the day in dreams. Shes different but she doesn't want to take the chance of someone criticizing her. Shes smart but she doesn't want to face the expectations. Shes a completely different person than the one everyone sees but she doesn't want the world to know how she is. They would never except it.

She picks up a book about suicide and sending out tapes to the people who ultimately tied together to screw her life up. And she thinks its brilliant and she starts to list the names and make the connections. And then she sees what shes doing and she cries, crumples the paper, and throws it off into an unseen corner and just sobs. Shes broken but wheres the glue that will put her back together again?

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I dunno where that glue is, but find it soon please ):
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Life Updates -

I am sooo sore, sooo tired, and sooo completely drained. And sick, don't forget sick.

Im Sore Because: I went to a skating party fundraiser for my sisters school, well shes a 4th grader so all these 9 year olds kept purposely tripping me 'cause I was her sister, and I am bruised ALL OVER!

Im Tired Because: My medicine hates me =P Stupid side effects. I always have exaggerated side effects so "fatigue" is equal to "you could sleep and if it was up to you, you would never wake up again, you're so tired." <---Probably exaggerated a little xD

Im Sick Because: Another lovely side effect of my meds is Nasal Congestion. So I sound stuffed up. But I still have my cough. A month and a half later. Not as constant, but when I do cough its like an episode and lasts forever and REEEAAALLLY hurts!

More Of My Medicines Side Effects That I Might Develop: Nausea, Insomnia (difficulty sleeping), Fatigue and drowsiness, Increased sweating, Back pain, Urinary tract infection, Vomiting, and Nasal congestion. <---FML. >:(


***Im not gonna do a Reading Corner today, because 13 Reasons Why is a major thing for me to talk about, and Im going to devote an entire blog post to it sometime soon, and since Im not reading any other books, the Reading Corner shall be empty for a bit. Sorry!

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This 3rd section will be a bunch of pictures (and not the pretty photography):























THATS ALL FOR THE DAY!

-Yours Truly,
Ry (:


P.S. - Comments, Reviews, Suggestions, Criticism = APPRECIATED!
P.P.S. - Give me song titles!
P.P.P.S. - Suggest this blog to other people.
P.P.P.P.S. - PLEASE COMMENT THE FIRST SECTION AT LEAST!
P.P.P.P.P.S. - The first section means the most to me :/

*Cough* Miserable *Cough* - 1/18/10

Bonjour Blog Readers (:

This is just a little speech to all those people who aren't happy with their life:

Make a change. For all our sakes, make a change. If you arent happy, the people around you wont be happy. Its a lose-lose situation. Now, at the end of the first month of '10, you need to realize that now is the time for changes. You can set these little goals for throughout the year. You can lose friends and you can make friends. You can change your appearance, and you can change your philosophy. Look at your life and see why you are unhappy. And then change it.

Is it because you feel like Robin to your Batman best friend? Stand up and say that you wont be the sidekick anymore.

Is it because your boyfriend plays with your emotions too much? Tell him your emotions arent toys that he can pick up and throw away with disregard.

Is it because you feel like your wearing a mask? Break down that wall you've put up and let people know the real you.

Is it because you arent happy with your appearance? Look at yourself and truthfully evaluate yourself. Either you wont be as bad as you think, or you'll be motivated to make the changes you need to.

But please, dont settle for a second rate, miserable making lifestyle. I dont care who you are, you deserve better. Much better.


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All I have time for today, Ill add to it tomorrow!
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-Yours Truly,
Ry (:

Nap Time Isn't For Preschool Anymore - 1/17/09

Agh, stupid meds =P Blame them for the lack of blogging!

So spanking your kids - discipline or unneeded contact?

I personally see this as unneeded contact. If you arent the kind of person that can get someones attention without contact, what are you doing as a parent? Little kids = Bad listeners. You have to have some patients. Its kinda pointless. 'Cause the kid can see it as "Hmm, get in trouble and have a little pain for a little period of time or be a good little kid who is perfect and does what they're told even when they don't like it?" <--- If I was that kid, Id be screaming so I didnt have to take out the trash or something =P

Now it can also be, you get spanked and then you still have to do whatever. Then its extra pointless to be bad. But you make a point. And it just happens without a thought. You dont like it, so you make your opinion known.

But it spanking a child really the way to do it? Some people say "Well my parents spanked me and look how I turned out!" Uhh, working a 9-5, hating your job, and doing what everyone tells you to? You've been scared into following orders and being submissive. How boring...

On the other hand, some people get spanked, and when they grow up they learn from their parent's parenting mistakes, and they DONT spank their kids. So people call it a parenting mistake. Completely unnecessary. You have kids, learn how to control them verbally, not with your hand.

My parents never spanked me. They dont spank my sister. And they controlled us and we NEVER even thought about acting out in the grocery store or something. We were disciplined with words not contact.

Any opinions on the matter? Comment :D

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Tomorrow will be a free day of ranting =P
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Life Updates -

Ive been taking 3 hour long naps due to the drowsiness side effect of my meds. And the other side effect Ive apparently acquired is nasal congestion =P Either that or I have serious sinus issues. I really hope its not the latter because that can very easily mean Ill have to take more medicine. And sinus medicine has the potential to cause drowsiness. Which is most definitely NOT what I need more of. Im having serious issues concentrating in school. And Im lucky that I understand all these new concepts so when the teacher calls on me (which they seldomly do, because they think the other kids need to answer xD) I can answer the question without looking stupid for not knowing anything. Agh, I hope the longer Im on these meds, the lesser the side effects will be. Ill make the sacrifice of being drowsy to feel better though...

Reading Corner!

So I finished reading The Color Purple, and I truly loved it. Once you get over the way the spelling and grammar is messed up, you can really get into the book. And the story lines are kinda sorta split up. They are all joined and then you hear how they split, and then they come back together for the end xD The only part I REALLY didnt care to read was the part where Nettie (the main character's sister.) goes to Africa and does mission things and has Celie's (the main character) children with her and talks about how it is there. It just really doesnt appeal to me. I skipped it and didnt feel like I missed much of the story. But the best part of this book was not only is Celie going through the troubles of being an African woman, shes also apparently a lesbian, which makes even more troubles for her. NOTE: This book really isnt suitable for under a 8th or 9th grade level. Mature content.

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13 Reasons Why is next (:
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For the third section I'll put up a picture (:





THATS ALL FOLKS ;)

-Yours Truly
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment, review, suggest :D
P.P.S. - I NEED MORE SONGS!
P.P.P.S. - I apologize for infrequent blogging!
P.P.P.P.S. - Invite others to read this blog (:

Sleepy In Indiana - 1/14/10

Id like to apologize for not blogging yesterday, I fell asleep right after cooking dinner and attempting to watch a show with my sister :/

Alright, to teach abstinence or not to teach abstinence (so safe sex), that is the question.

And to which I have an answer! Well a personal opinion. But heres an insight to where this came from -

The last time I blogged I told you about Darcy, Haley, Bradi, and Ashton. So the night of the party we must have stayed up talking for at least 2-3 hours. (As a side note, they're the kind of friends I want in my life. Our conversations are more in depth and not all gossipy.) Anyways, in that span of 2-3 hours we talked about probably THE MOST controversial topics in America today. And one of the lesser talked about, but still controversial topics was abstinence. To teach it in schools, or to teach safe sex?

Darcy thought that teaching kids abstinence, that they would stay away from it until marriage, using her parents as an example. They waited until marriage. But I think everyone else sided that not everyone is going to wait until marriage, but they can protect themselves and lower the chance of getting pregnant before marriage. Bradi didnt take too much part of this, but Ashton and I were definitely taking part. Ashton and I both agree that abstinence is a good thing to teach, but it should be paired with the safe sex education. That way its not all "you should choose abstinence and you're bad if you dont wait". Its "abstinence is the preferred choice, but if you choose otherwise, here's how to protect yourself."

Just our opinions of course. Comment with your opinions (:

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Tomorrow we'll talk about spanking kids - discipline, or unneeded contact?
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Life Updates -

Today is 6 months for me and Corey (: I really couldn't be happier. Im crazy about him and it seems like the feelings are returned. <---That was the good news. The bad news is I have bruises on my arms, legs, back, and stomach from who knows where, and I had to go weight lifting for P.E. today. OUCH! So my body is insanely sore, I was almost in tears, and I felt pathetically weak by not doing much. Not as pathetic as the girl in my gym class whos pregnant. Shes going for endurance, not weight. I feel bad for her :/ (She was the reason the safe sex thing came up)

Reading Corner!

I said Id talk about Boys That Bite, but Im reading that online, so I didnt get too far on it. Im reading another book for about 30 minutes during school, so Ill talk about it since Ive gotten farther.

Ive started to read The Color Purple by Alice Walker. And it is good so far. The way she writes is like a slave or uneducated person would write. Almost like text-talk o_O But its somewhat hard to understand at first, but soon you just get used to it. Though as a warning, you might have to reread a couple of parts in the beginning before you start to go with the flow of the writing.

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Ill start going in-depth into The Color Purple tomorrow!
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For the 3rd section I'll post my newest poem (:

Knocking On Death's Door

"Knocking on Death's door
Which is opened just a crack,
I'm only looking forward,
For there is no turning back.

Knocking on Death's door
Softly calling to me,
I tune it out and lose myself
In thoughts of what I could be.

Knocking on Death's door
Made of the finest wood,
Whistling the funeral march
Wishing I understood.

Knocking on Death's door
As I realize something great,
I can turn and leave
And diminish all this hate.

Knocking on Death's door
Which is opened just a crack,
I leave Death in peace
And Im never coming back."


AND WE'RE DONE!

-Yours Truly
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment, review, suggest (:
P.P.S. - Suggest songs and topics and pictures/poems
P.P.P.S. - Invite others to read this blog!
P.P.P.P.S. - Suggest more things for me to read!

Insanity & Confusion - 1/12/10

Im terrified for you my dear, and I wish you only knew <--To Corey :/


So sexism, is defined in many ways by many people. Dictionary.com officially says its:

1. Attitudes or behavior based on traditional stereotypes of sexual roles.
2. Discrimination or devaluation based on a person's sex, as in restricted job opportunities; esp., such discrimination directed against women."

I believe this is definitely what I would call "sexism". Now recently I was at one of my best friend's birthday party and she invited a few of us to stay the night. We had all kinds of opinions/ages/stereotypes in that room. Darcy and Haley are Seniors. Darcy is one of those scene girls, with the piercings and a thing for skinnies and band tees. Haley is bright and cheerful, but also into the skinnies and band tees. Bradi is definitely strong on her beliefs, artistic, a perfectionist, and not shy with her opinions. And Ashton is a Junior and he is gay.

Just as our personalities are varied, so were our opinions. Darcy wants nothing more than to go and serve her husband after he works all day long. And I think that started the long lasting debate of "at what point is it 'sexist'?". Darcy and Ashton kinda talked it out and saw it as, the guy deserved it and its her showing her appreciation for bringing in money. I kinda saw it as, if thats what you WANT to do, then thats fine. But once its a command, THEN its sexism. Bradi thinks that men are superior to women, so in the since, it is a role.

All in all, I believe that when its an option, and its something you want to do, and you've been given other options but you choose that one, then its not sexist. But as soon as you are told that women are made to be in the kitchen, or are inferior to men, THAT in my mind is sexist.

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To teach abstinence or not to teach abstinence? That is the question (for tomorrow!)
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Life Updates -

So Corey is talking about running away, he needs help, hes not getting it fast enough for himself, and this is ALL a blur. I really want to talk to his parents about this, and try to see their side in all of this. His moods are not making ANYONE happy. This is where the religion is too much for me. His parents are trying to get him to turn to God for a cure to his problems. Its one thing to pray for help, but another to rely solely on an invisible higher being to save you. He needs real medical attention, and I couldnt be anymore worried for him :/

Reading Corner!

Alright, so I have really gotten into the books about relationship abuse. And Im not exactly sure what triggered the sudden intrigue, but its there. Definitely there. Ive read Things Change by Patrick Jones and Dreamland by Sarah Dessen. Both EXTREMELY well written books on relationship abuse. Extremely well written. The ending of Things Change is just...amazing. And the way the story is in Johanna's view is great because we get the victims side. But then we also get Pauls side, so we see what the abuser is thinking as he writes to his dead father. Dreamland was my favorite of the two. Caitlins sister runs away on her birthday, and she uses this opportunity to get out of her sisters shadow. And it goes horribly wrong. I definitely suggest both books though. No doubt that they'll have an impact on you ;)

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Tomorrow I'll talk about Boys That Bite =F
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For the 3rd section we'll just have a pretty picture (:



The stairs to my escape ^ I hope I find them soon :/

THATS ALL FOLKS XD

Yours Truly,
Ry (:

P.S. - Comments and reviews and topics are awesome!
P.P.S. - Keep suggesting songs!
P.P.P.S. - Suggest good lyrics/poems/picture for my 3rd section
P.P.P.P.S. - I want new books to read, give me titles?
P.P.P.P.P.S. - Invite others to read this blog!