Dear Me - 1/26/10

): <---All of my emotion summed up into one emoticon.

Dear Me,

You might not understand things now, but Im sure you will later. Or actually, Im hoping you will later. Im not sure how the future works, but Im gonna do all I can to change the bad things that are 99.9% gonna happen. Im going to take that .1% and turn things around. Thats all I really need. Give me .1% of a chance and you've given me hope. I don't know what's been going on in that head of yours. When you looked in the mirror today you look so sad. I dont know what happened to you, but it did. Seemingly overnight. Things are spiraling downward for you and Im not sure how you're going to pick yourself back up. But Im sure you will. You'll find a way. You're "driven" as they say. And being down isn't good enough for you. Just like your grades arent good enough for you. Just like life isnt good enough for you. Just like everything isn't good enough for you.

Today I saw a different person in you. You were so down that you couldnt even hide it anymore. Everything was breaking down the walls that you put up. *BANG BANG BANG* And the walls fall down. You cant hide things anymore and you know it. And you know where this all started from? Your inability to handle yourself and your emotions. Look at what you did to yourself. Look at it. Don't act like you can't see it. Right there, there on your wrist. Those scratches. I know you see them. Just like your emotions, you cant hide them anymore. What a hypocrite. You get mad at others for cutting and then you go and scratch your skin raw. I understand youre frustrated, but who do you think you are to go and tell off other people and do something similar to yourself, in the same day no less! I dont care if you dont realize what youre doing until after its done. I dont care anymore. Just like you dont care.

You gave up caring the other day. I saw it when you looked in the mirror the other day. I looked in your eyes and I saw the emptiness and the fire of passion for living reduced to ashes. You tried though. Ill give you that. You tried. Not hard enough, but you tried. Look at all those pretty drawings you made. Look at all the poetry you write. Look at all the people you have that care for you. Why dont you look at the resources you have and use them? You waste the wonderful gift of having someone who cares. There are people out there who would love that gift. And you just look at it as pity and you dont take the chance. And here we all were thinking you were smart and good.

I know this is hard for you to read. Heck, its hard to write. But its the truth, and you need to realize and accept the truth so you can accept the help. The help isnt going to get through to you if the understanding of what you've done hasn't gotten through to you. Im writing this so you can accept and move on. This is your chance to have proof of what you did. And now you can look back on this and say, "This is what I did wrong." and then you can point to your achievements and say, "This is what I did to change the wrong. This is what I did right." This is for you, self. Take the chance and do something with it. Dont waste this opportunity like you did every other.


-Yours Truly
The Voice Inside Of You

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Sadly In My Corner

Sadly in my corner,
I sit and write the name
Of every single person
Who thought this was a game.

Sadly in my corner,
With my mouth curled in a frown
I think of all the people
That really put me down.

Sadly in my corner,
Vulnerable and weak
I think of all the times
I decided not to speak.

Sadly in my corner,
I say a little prayer
For the voice of reason
To come and find me there.

Sadly in my corner
I write the last goodbye
I rest my head into my hands,
And simply start to cry.

Sadly in my corner
I begin to see the light
I see the pills are kicking in,
And I begin to fight.

Sadly in my corner
I finally realize my wrong
As I find my way to heaven
And sadly sing a song.

Sadly in my corner
As I greet Heavens gate
I think about how life once was
And how what I had was great.

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Thats all for today :|

-Yours Truly,
Ry (:

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Cutting - 1/24/10

No offense, but any kind of self-injurer is an idiot. Yes, I just called myself an idiot, but its true, you aren't going to get anywhere with this -

So a friend of mine has decided that instead of avoiding the problem of being suicidal and depression, she is going to face this problem head on...by cutting. All I can say is, "Who do you think you're helping by cutting yourself?" Like I wasn't worried enough about you in the first place, now you are going to go and cut yourself. How lovely. I'll begin the countdown to your death, because if you're stupid enough to start an addiction and say you are no magically no longer suicidal and just needed to do this, you're going to die. Because you don't need to do this...AGH! I just hate this...hate it, hate it, HATE IT. This is what she posted (ALONG WITH A FREAKIN' PICTURE OF HER CUT ON HER LEG!)

"I did it. Just on my leg, nothing really. I just needed to do it - prove it to others and prove it to myself. I am capable of it. I'm not suicidal. That's why I just did it on my leg. But I was sick of being scared and weak. I took on my enemy and tackled him down. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to live my life focused solely on that. I can live my life now. I can."

Waaaait a minute, did you just say "nothing really"? Oh yes, that cut I made on my leg? Yeah, thats nothing really. What the heck? It is something though! I don't know what makes you think its nothing really. Thats just like me saying, oh that leg encased in bruises? Thats nothing really.

Did you not realize that you just gave yourself a constant reminder of the pain you've been going through? "I dont have to live my life focused solely on that." Actually, from what I know, your life wasn't focused solely on that to begin with. But now you just made sure that you have a reminder to focus you back on the pain.

Im disgusted at how twisted it was of her (or you, because I know you're going to read this...) to post a picture of that cut...I was completely disgusted and went to throw up as soon as I saw that. Twisted.

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Btw, as I searced "self-harm" in Google Images in order to come up with the pictures for this, I was completely disgusted. My bruising was absolutely no better than this, but now that I see this stuff...ick.
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Picking Up The Pieces - 1/23/10

Nothing hurts more than feeling second-best. <--I feel this often :/

When you purposely say that you will not do the right thing and that you will screw up a relationship because the other person messed up, I lose respect for you in an instant. Sorry Dad, Im such a Daddy's Girl and I tell you everything and you have to be both parents for me and Jordan, but...Ive lost respect for you as you destroy the relationship you have with you kids because you want to prove your authority...


Alright, ranting day...hmm...mkay, story time -

Looking in the mirror the young girl sits at the edge of the bathroom counter, peers into the mirror, and examines the face that she puts on for the rest of the world.

Eyeliner and mascara to make her eyes look less red - Check. Powder to make the flush of her constant fever go away - Check. Concealer to hide the purple under her eyes - Check. Lip gloss to make her lips look natural and not ghostly pale and blue - Check. Fake smile to hide the emotions - Check. Eyes that hide the truth - Check.

She's ready to start her day as someone she doesn't even know. A stranger.

And she's slowly building up her confidence inside to take that one day every month or so that she takes off the makeup and discards the fancy clothes for sweats and a t-shirt. The day that the world finally sees how bad she truly is.

Shes cold inside and feverish outside. Shes sick, but she doesn't want pity. She needs help but she doesn't want to end up like her mom. Shes angry but she doesn't want to have someone else listen to her problems. Shes sad but she doesn't want to waste her tears. Shes depressed but she doesn't want to take the pills. Shes tired but she doesn't want to waste the day in dreams. Shes different but she doesn't want to take the chance of someone criticizing her. Shes smart but she doesn't want to face the expectations. Shes a completely different person than the one everyone sees but she doesn't want the world to know how she is. They would never except it.

She picks up a book about suicide and sending out tapes to the people who ultimately tied together to screw her life up. And she thinks its brilliant and she starts to list the names and make the connections. And then she sees what shes doing and she cries, crumples the paper, and throws it off into an unseen corner and just sobs. Shes broken but wheres the glue that will put her back together again?

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I dunno where that glue is, but find it soon please ):
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Life Updates -

I am sooo sore, sooo tired, and sooo completely drained. And sick, don't forget sick.

Im Sore Because: I went to a skating party fundraiser for my sisters school, well shes a 4th grader so all these 9 year olds kept purposely tripping me 'cause I was her sister, and I am bruised ALL OVER!

Im Tired Because: My medicine hates me =P Stupid side effects. I always have exaggerated side effects so "fatigue" is equal to "you could sleep and if it was up to you, you would never wake up again, you're so tired." <---Probably exaggerated a little xD

Im Sick Because: Another lovely side effect of my meds is Nasal Congestion. So I sound stuffed up. But I still have my cough. A month and a half later. Not as constant, but when I do cough its like an episode and lasts forever and REEEAAALLLY hurts!

More Of My Medicines Side Effects That I Might Develop: Nausea, Insomnia (difficulty sleeping), Fatigue and drowsiness, Increased sweating, Back pain, Urinary tract infection, Vomiting, and Nasal congestion. <---FML. >:(


***Im not gonna do a Reading Corner today, because 13 Reasons Why is a major thing for me to talk about, and Im going to devote an entire blog post to it sometime soon, and since Im not reading any other books, the Reading Corner shall be empty for a bit. Sorry!

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This 3rd section will be a bunch of pictures (and not the pretty photography):























THATS ALL FOR THE DAY!

-Yours Truly,
Ry (:


P.S. - Comments, Reviews, Suggestions, Criticism = APPRECIATED!
P.P.S. - Give me song titles!
P.P.P.S. - Suggest this blog to other people.
P.P.P.P.S. - PLEASE COMMENT THE FIRST SECTION AT LEAST!
P.P.P.P.P.S. - The first section means the most to me :/

*Cough* Miserable *Cough* - 1/18/10

Bonjour Blog Readers (:

This is just a little speech to all those people who aren't happy with their life:

Make a change. For all our sakes, make a change. If you arent happy, the people around you wont be happy. Its a lose-lose situation. Now, at the end of the first month of '10, you need to realize that now is the time for changes. You can set these little goals for throughout the year. You can lose friends and you can make friends. You can change your appearance, and you can change your philosophy. Look at your life and see why you are unhappy. And then change it.

Is it because you feel like Robin to your Batman best friend? Stand up and say that you wont be the sidekick anymore.

Is it because your boyfriend plays with your emotions too much? Tell him your emotions arent toys that he can pick up and throw away with disregard.

Is it because you feel like your wearing a mask? Break down that wall you've put up and let people know the real you.

Is it because you arent happy with your appearance? Look at yourself and truthfully evaluate yourself. Either you wont be as bad as you think, or you'll be motivated to make the changes you need to.

But please, dont settle for a second rate, miserable making lifestyle. I dont care who you are, you deserve better. Much better.


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All I have time for today, Ill add to it tomorrow!
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-Yours Truly,
Ry (:

Nap Time Isn't For Preschool Anymore - 1/17/09

Agh, stupid meds =P Blame them for the lack of blogging!

So spanking your kids - discipline or unneeded contact?

I personally see this as unneeded contact. If you arent the kind of person that can get someones attention without contact, what are you doing as a parent? Little kids = Bad listeners. You have to have some patients. Its kinda pointless. 'Cause the kid can see it as "Hmm, get in trouble and have a little pain for a little period of time or be a good little kid who is perfect and does what they're told even when they don't like it?" <--- If I was that kid, Id be screaming so I didnt have to take out the trash or something =P

Now it can also be, you get spanked and then you still have to do whatever. Then its extra pointless to be bad. But you make a point. And it just happens without a thought. You dont like it, so you make your opinion known.

But it spanking a child really the way to do it? Some people say "Well my parents spanked me and look how I turned out!" Uhh, working a 9-5, hating your job, and doing what everyone tells you to? You've been scared into following orders and being submissive. How boring...

On the other hand, some people get spanked, and when they grow up they learn from their parent's parenting mistakes, and they DONT spank their kids. So people call it a parenting mistake. Completely unnecessary. You have kids, learn how to control them verbally, not with your hand.

My parents never spanked me. They dont spank my sister. And they controlled us and we NEVER even thought about acting out in the grocery store or something. We were disciplined with words not contact.

Any opinions on the matter? Comment :D

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Tomorrow will be a free day of ranting =P
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Life Updates -

Ive been taking 3 hour long naps due to the drowsiness side effect of my meds. And the other side effect Ive apparently acquired is nasal congestion =P Either that or I have serious sinus issues. I really hope its not the latter because that can very easily mean Ill have to take more medicine. And sinus medicine has the potential to cause drowsiness. Which is most definitely NOT what I need more of. Im having serious issues concentrating in school. And Im lucky that I understand all these new concepts so when the teacher calls on me (which they seldomly do, because they think the other kids need to answer xD) I can answer the question without looking stupid for not knowing anything. Agh, I hope the longer Im on these meds, the lesser the side effects will be. Ill make the sacrifice of being drowsy to feel better though...

Reading Corner!

So I finished reading The Color Purple, and I truly loved it. Once you get over the way the spelling and grammar is messed up, you can really get into the book. And the story lines are kinda sorta split up. They are all joined and then you hear how they split, and then they come back together for the end xD The only part I REALLY didnt care to read was the part where Nettie (the main character's sister.) goes to Africa and does mission things and has Celie's (the main character) children with her and talks about how it is there. It just really doesnt appeal to me. I skipped it and didnt feel like I missed much of the story. But the best part of this book was not only is Celie going through the troubles of being an African woman, shes also apparently a lesbian, which makes even more troubles for her. NOTE: This book really isnt suitable for under a 8th or 9th grade level. Mature content.

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13 Reasons Why is next (:
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For the third section I'll put up a picture (:





THATS ALL FOLKS ;)

-Yours Truly
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment, review, suggest :D
P.P.S. - I NEED MORE SONGS!
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Sleepy In Indiana - 1/14/10

Id like to apologize for not blogging yesterday, I fell asleep right after cooking dinner and attempting to watch a show with my sister :/

Alright, to teach abstinence or not to teach abstinence (so safe sex), that is the question.

And to which I have an answer! Well a personal opinion. But heres an insight to where this came from -

The last time I blogged I told you about Darcy, Haley, Bradi, and Ashton. So the night of the party we must have stayed up talking for at least 2-3 hours. (As a side note, they're the kind of friends I want in my life. Our conversations are more in depth and not all gossipy.) Anyways, in that span of 2-3 hours we talked about probably THE MOST controversial topics in America today. And one of the lesser talked about, but still controversial topics was abstinence. To teach it in schools, or to teach safe sex?

Darcy thought that teaching kids abstinence, that they would stay away from it until marriage, using her parents as an example. They waited until marriage. But I think everyone else sided that not everyone is going to wait until marriage, but they can protect themselves and lower the chance of getting pregnant before marriage. Bradi didnt take too much part of this, but Ashton and I were definitely taking part. Ashton and I both agree that abstinence is a good thing to teach, but it should be paired with the safe sex education. That way its not all "you should choose abstinence and you're bad if you dont wait". Its "abstinence is the preferred choice, but if you choose otherwise, here's how to protect yourself."

Just our opinions of course. Comment with your opinions (:

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Tomorrow we'll talk about spanking kids - discipline, or unneeded contact?
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Life Updates -

Today is 6 months for me and Corey (: I really couldn't be happier. Im crazy about him and it seems like the feelings are returned. <---That was the good news. The bad news is I have bruises on my arms, legs, back, and stomach from who knows where, and I had to go weight lifting for P.E. today. OUCH! So my body is insanely sore, I was almost in tears, and I felt pathetically weak by not doing much. Not as pathetic as the girl in my gym class whos pregnant. Shes going for endurance, not weight. I feel bad for her :/ (She was the reason the safe sex thing came up)

Reading Corner!

I said Id talk about Boys That Bite, but Im reading that online, so I didnt get too far on it. Im reading another book for about 30 minutes during school, so Ill talk about it since Ive gotten farther.

Ive started to read The Color Purple by Alice Walker. And it is good so far. The way she writes is like a slave or uneducated person would write. Almost like text-talk o_O But its somewhat hard to understand at first, but soon you just get used to it. Though as a warning, you might have to reread a couple of parts in the beginning before you start to go with the flow of the writing.

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Ill start going in-depth into The Color Purple tomorrow!
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For the 3rd section I'll post my newest poem (:

Knocking On Death's Door

"Knocking on Death's door
Which is opened just a crack,
I'm only looking forward,
For there is no turning back.

Knocking on Death's door
Softly calling to me,
I tune it out and lose myself
In thoughts of what I could be.

Knocking on Death's door
Made of the finest wood,
Whistling the funeral march
Wishing I understood.

Knocking on Death's door
As I realize something great,
I can turn and leave
And diminish all this hate.

Knocking on Death's door
Which is opened just a crack,
I leave Death in peace
And Im never coming back."


AND WE'RE DONE!

-Yours Truly
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment, review, suggest (:
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Insanity & Confusion - 1/12/10

Im terrified for you my dear, and I wish you only knew <--To Corey :/


So sexism, is defined in many ways by many people. Dictionary.com officially says its:

1. Attitudes or behavior based on traditional stereotypes of sexual roles.
2. Discrimination or devaluation based on a person's sex, as in restricted job opportunities; esp., such discrimination directed against women."

I believe this is definitely what I would call "sexism". Now recently I was at one of my best friend's birthday party and she invited a few of us to stay the night. We had all kinds of opinions/ages/stereotypes in that room. Darcy and Haley are Seniors. Darcy is one of those scene girls, with the piercings and a thing for skinnies and band tees. Haley is bright and cheerful, but also into the skinnies and band tees. Bradi is definitely strong on her beliefs, artistic, a perfectionist, and not shy with her opinions. And Ashton is a Junior and he is gay.

Just as our personalities are varied, so were our opinions. Darcy wants nothing more than to go and serve her husband after he works all day long. And I think that started the long lasting debate of "at what point is it 'sexist'?". Darcy and Ashton kinda talked it out and saw it as, the guy deserved it and its her showing her appreciation for bringing in money. I kinda saw it as, if thats what you WANT to do, then thats fine. But once its a command, THEN its sexism. Bradi thinks that men are superior to women, so in the since, it is a role.

All in all, I believe that when its an option, and its something you want to do, and you've been given other options but you choose that one, then its not sexist. But as soon as you are told that women are made to be in the kitchen, or are inferior to men, THAT in my mind is sexist.

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To teach abstinence or not to teach abstinence? That is the question (for tomorrow!)
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Life Updates -

So Corey is talking about running away, he needs help, hes not getting it fast enough for himself, and this is ALL a blur. I really want to talk to his parents about this, and try to see their side in all of this. His moods are not making ANYONE happy. This is where the religion is too much for me. His parents are trying to get him to turn to God for a cure to his problems. Its one thing to pray for help, but another to rely solely on an invisible higher being to save you. He needs real medical attention, and I couldnt be anymore worried for him :/

Reading Corner!

Alright, so I have really gotten into the books about relationship abuse. And Im not exactly sure what triggered the sudden intrigue, but its there. Definitely there. Ive read Things Change by Patrick Jones and Dreamland by Sarah Dessen. Both EXTREMELY well written books on relationship abuse. Extremely well written. The ending of Things Change is just...amazing. And the way the story is in Johanna's view is great because we get the victims side. But then we also get Pauls side, so we see what the abuser is thinking as he writes to his dead father. Dreamland was my favorite of the two. Caitlins sister runs away on her birthday, and she uses this opportunity to get out of her sisters shadow. And it goes horribly wrong. I definitely suggest both books though. No doubt that they'll have an impact on you ;)

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Tomorrow I'll talk about Boys That Bite =F
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For the 3rd section we'll just have a pretty picture (:



The stairs to my escape ^ I hope I find them soon :/

THATS ALL FOLKS XD

Yours Truly,
Ry (:

P.S. - Comments and reviews and topics are awesome!
P.P.S. - Keep suggesting songs!
P.P.P.S. - Suggest good lyrics/poems/picture for my 3rd section
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Good To Be Back - 1/11/10

Ahh, how nice it is to be back (:

And of course, I missed blogging. Its just the release I need right now.

Alright, so today is going to be about religion. I know this is a touchy subject, so PLEASE do not read if you think you'll possibly be offended! Or read, and dont get offended...PLEASE!

So we all know there are MANY different religions (Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Sikhism, Atheism, Humanism, etc.) and there are many different views of these religions, but I personally believe some people just take it TOO far.

I do not wish to turn to talk to my religious neighbor and get a speech on God's plan for my life. Im sorry, but if God is truly out there planning my life, I dont want to know about it. I like surprises, thank you very much. And more than likely you are waaay off...I also do not wish to turn to talk to my Athiest neighbor and get a speech on how there is no God and that a higher being cannot possibly be out there controlling my life. Things like this is shoving your religion down my throat. Go listen to someone cram religion down your throat. THEN you can come talk to me. But you wont come talk to me, 'cause you're gonna hate it!

Now, in saying this, I'd like to explain (EXPLAIN, NOT CRAM DOWN YOUR THROAT!) my religious standpoint. I was born and raised a Christian. I was taught to live by the Bible. But as I grow older Ive learned some things. The reason religion is big in my life is because of my mother. My dad, as I learned a few days ago, is not sure there is a god out there. I personally think God exists. But I also believe in Evolution over Creation. Maybe its a mix of both. You weren't there when God made us, you cant tell me how long it took. I also believe that God should NOT come first in my life. Im sorry to those who think thats wrong, but I used to put God first, and it really drove me away from the people in my life that I know FOR SURE are there. I want to focus on the proven people in my life.

And for those who go around using the Bible and God as proof of being gay being wrong and abortion being wrong <---You are a disgrace to your religion. If God put gay people on the earth, then there was a reason. Go blame your God for gay people, dont blame gay people for gay people. And Im pro-choice, though I wouldnt ever have an abortion. That baby does not have constitutional rights until it is born on US soil. So when it is in the woman's womb, it is the woman's choice.

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Sexism is my next topic!
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Life Updates -

Im using poetry and school to distract me from the wrongs in my life. And while its helping, its just pushing the problems into the faces of people that I do confide to. Bradi and Corey must be SOOO tired of me by now. But they stick around and stay by me, and thats what matters. Im going to continue to use this blog to let out the emotion. This way my emotions dont get displaced or anything. Dont want that to happen.

Reading Corner!

A list of Characters before I go on:

James - Husband to Materia, Father to Kathleen, Mercedes, Frances, and Lily.
Materia - Married James at 13, Mother to Kathleen, Merceded, and Frances.
Kathleen - Beautiful daughter, Mother to Lily, singer, dies in childbirth.
Mercedes - Very religious daughter to James and Materia.
Frances - Wild child, daughter to James and Materia, mother of Anthony
Lily - Rape child of James and Kathleen.
"Ginger" - Leo Taylor, nicknamed Ginger, father of Anthony.
Rose - Kathleens female lover after Kathleen went to New York for singing.
Ambrose - Lily's dead baby twin brother, whom Frances drowned accidentally.

Alright, I finished reading Fall On Your Knees (refer back to old blogs)and it was...really good in my opinion. Frances seduces the African delivery guy, a married adult no less, just so she could have his baby. And she has the baby but Mercedes sends him off soon after delivery. Frances prostitutes herself at a club where she performs. We learn that Kathleen was raped by James after he caught her with Rose. In the end we see that Lily and Rose are living together, and one can only guess at their relationship. Aaaand, we also learn about the more cloudy events. Like Frances and James in the rocking chair was not a normal thing, but he made her touch him. Ick. Good book.

Now Im reading stories around the relationship abuse theme. I like them.

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No more world of Make Believe for now! I need to focus on reality!
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For my third section, heres some lyrics to a song I CANNOT get out of my head!

Im Not That Girl from Wicked -

"Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl"


AND WE'RE DONE!

-Yours Truly
Ry (:

P.S. - I missed blogging!
P.P.S. - I want more song suggestions!
P.P.P.S. - I am in love with the song posted above!
P.P.P.P.S. - Invite others to read!
P.P.P.P.P.S. - Comment, review, and give me suggestions for other topics!
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - If you liked the lyrics, heres the song (Not the original) -

I'm Not That Girl - Youtube Cover (: