My Release - 5/30/10

“Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotion know what it means to want to escape from these”

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This Storm

I should have seen this coming,
Like the trees see the storm.
This storm had been brewing,
Building itself up.

1 month in and all was calm,
The love has just set in,
And I bask in the warmth
Of a lovers smile.

The second was as good as the first,
No clouds in the sky,
Starry nights,
They set the mood for now.

We've made it to 3,
But this isn't like before.
The winds are picking up,
And so do our voices in the middle of a fight.

Now at 4 it starts a climb,
Wild,
Random twists,
The rain starts its patter at my feet.

One more month and Im at a loss.
The skies are green,
The rain is gone.
Ill take the calm without complaints.

We've made it to six.
The hurricane comes rolling in,
Relentlessly attacking me from all angles.
Im being enveloped in the cold.

Onto 7 and its no better than the one before.
Waves of emotion,
Beating down like the waves of the ocean.
We're getting swept away in different directions.

Month number 8 and I cant find you.
Where are you love?
You're never coming back to me.
So I lay here stranded, caught up in my tears.

I should have seen this coming,
I ignored it for too long
But now Im lost,
And so are you.

8 months gone,
I cant get them back.
Precious memories are worthless,
And so are any thoughts of you.

I love you.
I loved you.
I hate you.
And still do.



If By Chance

If by chance
You miss me,
Ill be here,
Waiting.

If by chance
You love me,
Ill be here,
Wanting.

If by chance
You cant live without me,
Ill be here,
Forgiving.

If by chance
You find another,
Ill be here,
Wishing.

If by chance
You want her more,
Ill be here,
Questioning.

If by chance
You compliment her
Ill be here,
Hurting.

But if by chance
You love her,
I wont be here.
Im through.



Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time,
I worshipped you,
I hung on every word you spoke.
Each syllable,
I listened for,
Emphasizing in my head,
As if you were a god
Speaking to the lower people
Of the cruel Earth,
And blessing us.
With every breath you took,
I took one too,
Synchronizing the falling of our chests.
I talked as if you put the stars in the sky,
The most beautiful things,
Aside from you.
I memorized your features,
Your eyes,
Your mouth
Your cheekbones.
I knew you better than anyone else,
Than I even knew myself.
I put everything I had in you.
Every spare second
Of every minute
Of every hour
Of every day.
And for what?
You never paid me back.
All I asked for was love.
The only price to pay.
You were adored,
Loved,
Special in my eyes.
What more did you want?
You wanted her,
Thats what.
And I couldn't be her.
No matter how hard I tried,
I never amounted to that.
The goddess by your side now,
As I pass you in the streets.
Heaven's perfect match.
As I see you,
Im crushed.
Broken.
Torn.
And its right here,
Right now,
That I give up.



Trapped For Eternity

Maybe,
Just maybe,
Ill find myself again.
Im unsure,
Of where Im going.
Who I am.
Who I want to be.
What I want in life.
This maze of memories,
A labyrinth of pain,
The haze in my mind.
They trap me here.
Keeping me stuck,
Never letting me leave
Or move on.
I can't get out.
I don't know where I started,
Where I am
Or where Im going.
If only I knew.
A hint,
A clue,
Anything that could help me,
Please find me now.
I need help.
I cant do this alone.
Im not strong enough.
This silence,
Confusion,
Pain,
Darkness.
Its haunting me.
With every step
I fall farther.
With every movement
I stumble.
Im going nowhere,
And Im going fast.
I twist and turn,
I beg and plead,
But nothing,
Nothing,
Will ever save me.
Im to be forever lost.
Trapped for eternity,
Never to be found.



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Four new poems. Everything negative Ive felt lately because I just cant write happy poetry. Lacking the experience behind that emotion =P Review? Please and thank you (:

(This is my attempt at looking productive lately! [Even though these took like...5 minutes each...])


-Yours Truly
Ryanne (:

No Regrets - 5/27/10

"Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets."

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Lost

You lay down
Saddened,
Another day of heartbreak
Another day of misery.
There you go,
Passing the time inside your thoughts.
You're lost there aren't you?
Will you ever come back?
I doubt it.
You haven't yet.
You step to the outer bounds of your mind,
And like a scared child,
You curl back into the warmth of safety,
The repetition,
The schedule,
The knowledge that you're well enough off now.
You take no chances,
And make no mistakes.
Yet,
This is a mistake.
And you swear on "No Regrets"
And yet you regret this.
You regret your choice
Not taking any chances.
Does life hold any value for you anymore?
No,
I doubt it does.
I'll save you the energy,
The trouble of forming the words
That I'll so obviously hear from you.
The same lies you've been feeding me
For 15 years.
Where's your originality?
Is it lost like you are?
I cant find it.
I cant find you either.
Im searching,
Trying so hard.
My efforts are wasted though.
Ill never find you.
Not sure I'd really want to,
Ive never known the real you,
The real person person behind the mask,
Not the impersonator you put out to fool me.
Ill never know the truth,
And sadly,
Neither will you.

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Ive always lived by "No Regrets". This poem is the inner me talking to the fake me that I put out there for so many people. I am the inner me sometimes. I just break down the walls and let myself go. But the walls rebuild themselves faster than I can rebuild my life, and Im stuck, never making any gains in life. I dunno where Im trying to go with myself. If you asked me where I see myself in five years, Id tell you something about being in college with a major in criminology or mass communications in the works. To be honest, I dont know. And I know Im young, but its not just college. Its everything. My whole life I have ahead of me...Its just a blur. A hazy fog that I cant break through. But maybe, if I hope and pray and wish enough, Ill find where Im going. Ill truly live by No Regrets. Ill completely accept who I am, I wont accept less that I deserve, and Ill take chances. But until then, Im stuck living "(Almost) No Regrets".

-Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

Scars - 5/26/10

"And our scars remind us,
That the past is real.
I tear my heart open,
Just to feel."

- Scars by Papa Roach

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Im Free

You sit there,
Staring,
Prodding me with your eyes.
I am the specimen
To your experiment of life.
I cant turn and run anymore.
Im trapped,
Held in this position
With the icy glare you give me.
I cant stand it.
The daggers you shoot
Are meant for me and me only.
The sharp points hit me where it hurts,
Right in my heart,
My soul,
My being.
And I only wish you knew.
Though Im sure,
If searched deep enough,
You already do.
The blades are only imaginary,
For I wouldn't survive if they weren't.
But the pain,
The gut wrenching
Heart breaking pain,
Its real.
You've built me from the bottom up,
Only to be the one to knock me down.
You knew my weaknesses,
You put them there.
I was unaware at the time
Foolishly trusting in you.
The emotional pain is too much,
Weaving itself into my life.
It doesn't belong,
Doesn't have a place.
I have to find a way to let it all go.
So I take control,
In the only way I see fit.
You may have daggers,
But they cannot penetrate my body,
Only my composure.
I have weapons though,
And they can break the skin,
Which I make sure they do.
With each pull of the blade
Sliding gracefully across the frosty front
I put up years ago,
I feel the world let go,
Its death grip on my heart and lungs,
Its gone.
Im safe now.
I feel it.
The rush,
It comforts me,
Embraces me,
Like you never would.
Not like you ever could.
The chill of the blade,
It calms me.
It lifts the fog thats formed,
The haze that traps me here.
Im free,
I found the key to this cage,
The one you constructed around me,
So many years ago.
The shape was unusual,
Though familiar.
I found release in the oddest of places.
And it feels good.
You no longer have control.
I do.
And you will never,
Ever,
Get it back.

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If only I could have sent this out to every person whose ever made me feel this way. And 2 months back, this was all true...and some days, I wish it still was. I stopped, but that urge is still there. There are days where all I want to do is just crawl to my bed and drop the walls and give in to the blade. The temptation takes self control to push away. And with all the talk of hurting and the down turn of events in my life, I need this...but then I look at my scars and I have to ask myself if I also need those while Im at it. Its a package deal. Cant get one without the other. And it hurts to know. I gave up bruising myself, I gave up scratching myself, I gave up everything I used to cope. And I found drawing and writing, and yet, its never enough. There's still a tug in my brain telling me that if only I did it one more time...if only.

I just read the book Cut by Patricia McCormick. Oh lord, how I could relate. I cried. I got sick over it. I was shaking. I totally broke down. Hyperventilating, the whole deal. Yet each time I tried to stop reading, I couldn't. 15O pages of mental suffering. I just wanted to know if she got better. If there was hope. That maybe this could get better for me. And in the end, she said the wanting feeling was there. The wanting to get better. And I kinda felt it too. I have a therapist appointment on the 3rd of June. And I think it'll be the most open I've been in awhile. It'll be my last desperate plea for help. And if I don't see the help, then Im just going to be at a loss. I'll pray and hope that it'll get better though. Its all I have left.


-Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

What Would You Do - 5/25/10

"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"

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I'd Walk Right Through The Battlefields Of War And I'd End It All Right There: In the midst of the showering bullets and the pools of blood and the bodies of the lost and the pieces of the broken hearted, I'd end it all. The wars would be over. We could curl up with our families in front of the fireplaces and breathe the sigh of relief we've needed since the dawn of time. Peace for our time and all of the ones after that. The broken ties we've lived with for years would be mended. I wouldn't even care to be recognized for it. I'd rather let the world think that it finally just understood that the time was then to stop fighting. And yet the efforts of our veterans and the ones who've lost their lives to the brutal hands of war would not be in vain. They'd be honored like no others before them, for each person who didn't care who they killed as long as they killed there was a soldier out there who had in mind a handful of people they were personally fighting for. And we'd gather in the streets for our one last "Hurrah!" of the ends of destruction and from there our world would develop into something unknown to man for centuries. The purity of lives that had been intended for us when we were ready to take it, would begin. How wonderful it would be.

I'd Find The Cure For Lupus And All The Other Diseases Of The World: As selfish as it is, I've always wanted to live the life of a kid who had both parents fully functional. My mom was functional enough to build me up at 4 years old to be tested to go into school early. She put everything she had into my childhood. Always helping out, always taking me to sports or something. She still had Lupus, but it didn't flare like it does now. It hadn't begun to show its ugly face to us. And then without knowing the complications that could follow, my mom got pregnant with my sister. And soon after my mom started deteriorating right in front of my eyes. And there was nothing I could do at 5 years old to save her. And I still cant at 15. And the doctors can't either. And if I could do anything, I'd save her. And Id save everyone else with diseases, so nobody else has to feel the pain that my family and I have suffered because of this. My one true wish every day is for my mom to get better. The one thing I want more than anything else. And I know it will never come true, but one can only hope.

I'd Save My Friends From Themselves: There are two people I am writing this for. They both read my blog, only one knows me in real life, but Im protective of both even though they're both older than I am. I've spent the past year of my life destroying my body with the markings of my nails. And I wish I could take everything back. I've always lived by the saying "No Regrets", but this is the one thing in my life that I actually regret. 'Cause I've grown up and looking back on it, it was stupid. A simple mistake and lack of self control. God, just think, Ill have to explain this to my children. "Mommy, why do you have those dark spots on your arm? Did you get bruises? Are you hurt?". Only emotionally Im afraid. The physical hurt left a long time ago. And no those aren't bruises, those are scars. If only I could turn back the clocks and get rid of these things. But if I did that I'd never have the experience to tell you this: Its not worth it. At all.

You are worth so much more to this world than you would ever imagine. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world. And I care about you both. More than you probably know. Every time I read the words that tell me that you've hurt yourself again just crush me. They tear me to pieces. And you know, it hurts twice as bad when you can understand the pain thats usually behind each stroke of your nail or the blade. And it may sound hypocritical of me because I've been in that position, but the thing is, I stopped. I think I deserve the right to hate everything you're doing because I hated it when I did it and I hated it enough to stop doing it. I pray for you. Every day. And I pray that one day you'll realize everything that you're putting people through with this. And I pray that I'll believe you when you tell me you'll stop, or you want to. That I'll finally find the truth in your words. And until that day comes, I just continue to pray with all I have. I love you guys and I don't want this for you and I never will.

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If I had the chance, I'd change the world. But its all the things that I wish I could change that make me who I am, that make you who you are, and that make the world what its come to today. And some things never change, and some things never should. The world in the hands of peace and love is a place of lies. Its unnatural. And wish it was different or not, life will just continue down its path, just like each person in it.

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Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

For All The Ones Who Never Knew - 5/23/10

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

Tor, this blog is all for you (: You deserve it!

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Dear Tor,

I know the words my fingers are forming across this screen will never add up to the words you deserve to hear. I just know it. But I also know that I really need to try to make sure that you understand how much you mean to me and that all the little things you've done for me have changed my life for the better. I dunno if you can remember just how bad I used to be. I try not to remember it, but its so clearly burned into my memory that I'll always be able to recall those times. I was so lost. I was afraid. Of the world, of trust, of new people...of myself. And then I magically met you. Chatzy definitely helped us keep in touch, and then Yahoo and Myyearbook when that wasn't available to us. I truthfully think that you and Ash were the only people on there that I was truly a great friend with. We had our fights and we had our problems along the way, but we always worked things out and apologized for our words. And Im glad we did, 'cause thats not how I wanna have to stop talking to you. Id rather die than the last words I say to you be bitter. I just wouldn't be able to handle that. Especially after everything you've helped me through. You knew about my scratching, my thoughts, my problems, my situation, my past. You knew it all. And I still try to keep you updated. But then you told me about your problems too. And I found out a lot about you. And it was nice to know that I was trusted enough by you for you to lemme know that stuff. I still remember going to whatever lengths it was to communicate with you, especially when you would leave Chatzy 'cause of what everyone else was saying. You had every right to say the things you did and when you left, I would get on Yahoo or whatever to try and find you and calm you down. I hope I helped.

You know what, the point of this wasn't to recap our history, though thats important too. This was supposed to be more of a thank you. So here it goes.

Thank you Tor. You mean everything to me, and I swear the words I say are true. You are the reason I stopped scratching. I didnt want to disappoint you. I look up to you like you wouldn't image. You're just one of those people to me. You're a forever friend too (: Everything you've done for me was everything that saved me. I thought I wasn't gonna get through March or the months that came previous to it. But because of you and select others, I made it. I didn't kill myself. I stopped scratching. I stopped thinking about hurting myself. I learned to cope. It was always for you Tor. The day you came into my life was the day that I was saved from myself. Thank you. I cant say anymore than that. Thank you.

I love you Tor, and I always will. You're one of the best and I hope the best for you and Jay and your future. You're futures so bright, you gotta wear shades B) Teehee, good luck in college!

-Love Always,
Ryanne (:

You Are My Forever Friend - 5/22/10

You'll never know how much you meant
You'll never know how much you still do,
You'll never understand the way I think
And the way I feel for you.
But if by chance realization dawns
And it finally all gets through,
I'll hope that you will feel the same
And I'll forever be with you.

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Thats it, its over. My freshman year has said its bittersweet goodbyes to me. Whilst my friends are still fretting over their finals that they could have avoided by some odd point percentages, I've managed to pull my grades above the finals line and I'm done. I'll see you in August Whiteland, 'cause Im out ;)

But still, I'll miss school. It was my one constant connection to friends and all the things I love so dearly. Call me what you wish, nerd, lame-o, whatever, but you know you'll miss it too. The constant beat of the shoes in the school hallways, the random gossip you pick up, the fashion do's (and dont's!), the slamming of the locker doors, the minute warning to get to class. You'll miss it and so will I. Ahh well, sunshine and summertime, here I come (:

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On another bitter sweet note, sooo much has happened this past month. Im gonna hafta update yahh on it. All of it.


I'm Taking A Break From Relationships: For those of you who know me well enough, that was the equivalent of me saying that Im going to the convents to become a nun. If you don't know me well enough...you'll still probably understand as much. But I'm seriously just...over the relationships. They're great if you can find the right person. Absolutely wonderful. Through all the fighting and bad times, when you can come out of that with the one person you love, you've got it good. But Im 2 months away from 15 and Im sure I wont find that person right now. So Im starting to feel as if I should stop even trying for a little bit and make sure that my heart and emotions can take a heart break when I fall for someone that wont catch me in the end. Or that my heart and emotions can take it when I have to admit that I fell out of love with someone who's still pining away at me with all they've got. I dont wanna have to take that pain, or give that pain right now. Ive got so much going on right now. Its just...the additional heavyweight on my shoulders that I dont want. Maybe when school starts again. Just maybe...

I'm Making An Effort Towards My Happiness: If you truly know me, and I mean, really truly absolutely know me, you'll know about my past. You'll probably know more than I ever wanted to tell you. But you made me feel comfortable enough with you that I could tell you. Either you knew what I went through or you are just that kind of person that makes me wanna trust you with the world. Or maybe you're both, but whatever you are to me, you know. And you'll know that the events of my life hit me hard, and I didn't handle it as well as I should have. Well its been 2 months. And you dont know how much effort that took on my part. It took everything I had. Ive started putting so much into my future and my school and my life that I dont want to do that anymore. Well thats a lie. When times gets hard, I do want to do it again. But now I cope. Yeah, thats right. I cope. The one thing Ive been trying to do for the longest time, Ive finally accomplished. Ive never been prouder of myself. And you know what, its because of all of the things I was smart enough to let go of, and all of the things I was lucky enough to become part of. I let go of Corey and I wound up finding Greg and Ashley. I was forced to give up choir today due to scheduling conflicts, but I gained Newspaper. I'll be a proud member of Whiteland's Smoke Signals newspaper staff come next August. I'll be going to Ball State this summer for workshops, and I'll start at an upperclassmen position as a sophomore. Ive got the world rooting for me and God and my friends and family by my side. Life. Is. Good.

I Found New "Forever Friends": Forever friends, has been defined by this quote:

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend hold your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.

I've found two forever friends this year. Just in these past few months actually. Its amazing how little it takes to realize that someone is meant to be a great friend. Maybe thats just it. Maybe when its that instant connection and the instant bond that connects you finds two people, you just know. From this quote, this sounds like youre lucky just to find one person like this in a lifetime. Well by the looks of things, Ive found two in just a matter of months. How lucky I am.

Ashley: Darling, we've met under the most unusual of circumstances. If we had turned back the clocks to 6 months ago and someone had asked me if I'd ever think I'd find as good as a friend as you are, and if I'd ever think that we'd meet the way we did, I'd have to ask them if they'd like to be sent to a mental institution, 'cause that's just crazy. But here we are, sisters bonded by similarities that are scary to even think about. Our past and our present and our personalities, they are so alike. Its like God duplicated the same person and put them into two different bodies. I guess we're just such great people there had to be two of us out there! Now every single thing in our life might not match up, but I have to say they're pretty darn close. You know so much about me. You're one of those forever friends. Things should have gotten awkward between us waaaay back to when we met, but it didnt. Im not sure what kind of magic it took, but I think we were just meant to be 'sisters' like this, no matter the situation. Im so glad I met you. Im so glad that through everything that this life has thrown at you, youve been strong enough to make it up to this day. I dont wanna have to be without yahh, so even though you're gonna be graduating soon, we've gotta stick together, alright? Good (: I love you sissy! <3

Greg: Hunn, where do I begin with you? Lemme say this much: you are a complete dork, but I love you regardless ;) Now you told me about the 3 different kinds of love and Im glad you did. I can tell you I love you and you'll understand that its the best friends sorta love, and you'll never miss out on the chance to hear the words "I love you" because someone didn't understand that it didnt always have to be a lust kind of thing. We started out as meeting at the lunch table when I went to sit with Bradi. And then we were friends, but we still didnt talk outside of the lunch room. And then all of a sudden I showed up to do Bye Bye Birdie tech crew, and there you were. Haha, I can still remember the surprise at finding you there. Im glad you were there though, 'cause that really started our forever friendship. Right there at that point, I knew we'd be great friends. Tech crew was the best experience ever. Even though you definitely ditched us for Franklin's prom on opening night (you'll never live it down!) you picked up the slack the rest of the time. You definitely helped me stay calm when all I wanted to do was freak out under the stress. And after that was over, we started talking outside of school and between classes and we definitely became best friends. I dont care if you're a going to Ivy Tech, we're staying in touch, mkay? Glad we got that covered. I love you best friend! <3

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Yahh know what, I think Im just going to stop there for today. Ive got something that I wanna write, but it needs to go on a separate blog post, and I dont think that writing it at 2 in the morning will wind up being any good. I dunno how much justice I can give something like that. And there are some negative things, but those too need to go on a separate post.

So thats all for now (:

Much Love,
Ryanne <3