Friday, February 5, 2010

Sorrow - 2/5/10

I truthfully didnt think I'd find this when I got on Chatzy today:

KavyaK: I miss Ry...
Lancey: Mhmm.
Lancey: I agree.
Lancey: She is working herself so hard, she barley ever comes on.
Lancey: (And she stopped her blog posts)
KavyaK: I knw...
KavyaK: :(
Lancey nods.
Lancey: I think she needs that time. To reflect. I know I do.
KavyaK: Wat happened to her?


You miss me? I wasnt aware I was there to begin with. I feel as if Ive been flitting in and out of my reality. And therefore completely butchering my reality...

Agh, Im so sorry guys. I feel like Ive failed you, but Im just trying to take care of myself before Im in too deep. I guess I have so explaining to do for those of you who have missed my talks about things. Here it goes... :|

So I stopped therapy and meds in July/August due to the fact that the meds made me want to die and the therapy made me feel better and I thought I was all fixed. Pshh, that was mistake number 1. So between my family getting snippy with each other, my mom being sick, my own personal illness, the pressure I put on myself to do well in school, and my nostalgia for what once was, I broke down. Completely let myself get screwed over by my emotions. So I scratched the skin raw on my body in the following places: 4 times on my wrist, 4 times on my forearm, 2 times on the skin right below my stomach, 1 time on my knee cap, and 2 times on my left hand index finger. Its kinda terrifying how far Im letting myself fall.

Anyways, so I did that, and I asked one of my teachers if I could talk to her. And she asked if I needed her or the counselor. So I showed her my arm 'cause I couldnt even speak it. And she took me down to Guidance, and they told my dad. Yeah..not good. So my dad made me a therapist appt. that day. And I talked it out and I actually had hope for me getting better. Mistake number 2 Im afraid. So 3 days ago (Tuesday) I got a phone call from my therapist's office. Basically, she had been moved to a new facility and I was screwed. At least thats how I interpreted it. But anyways, I feel as if Im in so deep that I dont have time to "get to know" a new therapist. But I have to. Its not my decision, 'cause we all know I cant go this alone. So Im trying to pick up my moods and not scratch again. And Corey's been deprived of his phone, so Ive resorted to talking to his mom (Who let me call her phone and talk to him for 30 minutes!) about all this. So...we'll see how this goes.

Please note: These meds have drained me, so I just sleep once I get home, explaining some of my absence. But now that I saw that, I think Im more motivated to pull through. Im trying guys, I really am :|

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Im addicted to this song now, and it'll be my art section for the day -

Sorrow by Flyleaf

Sometimes life seems too quiet
Into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark
Meant to make me strong

Familiar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow last through this night
I'll take this piece of You
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

And we kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's halfway mine
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by His angel light

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me
And up into the stars

Joy will come







AND THATS ALL!

Yours Truly,
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment, Read, Review, Suggest.
P.P.S. - I wrote this to update you, so its lacking organization :|
P.P.P.S. - If you liked the lyrics, heres the song -> Sorrow by Flyleaf