Things Change - 04/11/10

So I haven't posted in 2 months...wow. I feel like such a slacker. This won't follow the normal formats Ive kept up, so just bear with me. I most definitely need to update you guys on my life.

My Heart Was Broken 3/16/10 Yuppers, it happened. I cant forget it, get it out of my head...He broke up with me. Corey said that he wanted to just give us time to work on ourselves before we worked on a relationship. I begged and I pleaded. He was kinda heartless about it. The more I wanted it to be taken back, the more he wanted it to be permanent. But I will NOT place the blame upon myself for this. I did nothing wrong. And I guess Im actually happier without him. Especially after seeing how he is with his new girlfriend (yeah, it wasn't about finding someone new, yet he went and found her...)

I had choir dance auditions last Monday, 4/5/10, and Corey's new girlfriend Alyce was trying out too. Now I was friends with her before and everything, but she came in through those doors and I saw it...a hickey bigger than the size of a half dollar near her chest. Wooow, whadda whore move Corey. Way to go. You sure didnt help her reputation any you idiot. So everyone saw it, I said it was whorish, she ignored me, my friends consoled me...but the best part was when we were learning our dance. Lmao, she couldnt get it for the life of her. Since when was spinning in circles so difficult for a pixie like her? I think reality smacked her across the face and her Prince Charming cannot help her now. But, he might help her get knocked up in a month. Anyone taking bets? I would, but Im not sure they'd last that long. Imma witch, I know, but come on, its whats keeping me going right now.

Im in the process of talking to a new guy. Im super happy about it, I feel so much better with him. He's a total sweetheart, and he cares. And he knows about the things Ive done in the past and am doing still today, and hes still talking to me. If only he didnt live 45 minutes away. But he has family where I live, so just another reason to visit more I suppose ;)


I Made A New Close Friend Katrina Schwamberger, you wont read this, but you have probably saved me these past few days. Really truly you have.

Now the first semester of school I kinda thought Katrina was a little annoying. But after Spring Break we came back to school and suddenly I found myself talking to her. I would tell her not to try so hard with her makeup and stuff, and not to let people get her down, and to be happy when she was sad. I saw how bad she was hurting and I know how it feels. I helped her. She started confiding in me. I truly think Im one of her closest friends now. She tells me one heck of a lot of stuff. And she trusts me. And she doesn't know the bad things Ive done, but I think shed be forgiving of me...Shes a good friend, I tell her alot of stuff too. Its nice to have someone to talk to about things halfway through the day.

I Realized How Stupid Ive Been So I have a board in my bedroom that is half cork board and half dry erase board. On the cork board side I have awesome quotes and pictures of friends and I and tickets and pins. On the dry erase side I have something that says: Erin Took Over On: and then it has dates of the days she's come over. We used to hang out every other week, if not every week, and then the days after Corey broke up with me, I went to check the board again. Erin had signed 2 times since I went out with Corey, and then I remembered I had been over to her house once. I seriously cried, and I told her about it. Now, she doesnt hang out with me anymore 'cause of her boyfriend, but I did the same thing and I realized how stupid I was. I feel terrible...Its not fair to her, and I let a few months of a boyfriend overpower 5 years of a best friend. Im working on it now though. I hung out with friends all this weekend, first time in 9 months, and I feel great.


I Scratched Myself Nine More Times Yeeeah, not something Im proud of. My scratch count is up to 20 even, and Im losing control. I need help, but Im barely getting any. These meds wont start working for another 3 weeks. Im not sure I'll make it until then.

Thursday night everything caught up with me. My dad's dad had died Wednesday, I had had it with all the fighting, the drama, everything. But I didnt scratch 'cause I remembered the promise I had made to Corey. Now I cut off communication with Corey the day I saw his new girlfriend and her hickey. So I remembered that he meant nothing to me now, so that promise meant nothing to me. I scratched 9 times. 8 of them were for the 8 months I hadnt scratched and had wasted on Corey. The 9th scratch was for the month after he had broken up with me and all the pain I had experienced since then. I was over it. The smallest was an inch long. The two longest went up my sides. One on each side, from my waistband to my rib cage. It was terrible, and it hurts soo bad in the chlorine of the pool.


I Found A Definite Religion For Myself The other day I was looking on a friend's profile page, and her religion said "Unitarian", so having never heard of it before, I went and looked it up. And it described my beliefs perfectly. Its still a Christian religion though, just slightly different. The main points of that religion are:

- Belief in One God and the oneness or unity of God (We reject the Trinity)
- The life and teachings of Jesus Christ constitute the exemplar model for living one's own life.
- Reason, rational thought, science, and philosophy coexist with faith in God.
- Humans have the ability to exercise free will in a responsible, constructive and ethical manner with the assistance of religion.
- Human nature in its present condition is neither inherently corrupt nor depraved (see Original Sin), but capable of both good and evil, as God intended.
- Conviction that no religion can claim an absolute monopoly on the Holy Spirit or theological truth.
- Though the authors of the Bible were inspired by God, they were humans and therefore subject to human error.
- Rejection of traditional doctrines that they believe malign God's character or veil the true nature and mission of Jesus Christ, such as the doctrines of predestination, eternal damnation, and the vicarious sacrifice or satisfaction theory of the Atonement.

And I am the form of Unitarianism that believes that Jesus did not exist as a person before human life, and that Jesus is not God himself.


I Found New Favorite Quotes

- I wanna be your favorite hello && your hardest goodbye.
- If you ran like your mouth you'd be in shape.
- One finger up and I'm out, 'cause you aren't even worth two.
- Life is like photography, you develop from the negatives.
- If home is where the heart is, why'd I ever leave your arms?
- There's 400 miles between us && I want them gone.
- One smile can't change the world, but your smile changes mine.
- The caged bird sings a soft song of sorrow, wistfully wishing for a livable tomorrow. (From a poem of mine.)
- I owe you nothing && you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.


All done for the day. Glad to be back to blogging, might do it more often.

- Yours Truly,
Ryanne (: