Its Time For My Last Goodbye - 6/2/10

After all the things you put me through,
Tell me why I'm still in love with you.
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call?
You broke my heart,
I'm taking it back from you.
And taking back the life I gave to you
Life goes on before and after you.
I've got some growing up to do.

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Wishes by Superchick - Inspiration for this blog post. Thank God I found this song, it made me realize its time for my last goodbye. To anything and everything and anyone and everyone that tore me down. You made me a stronger person, but your memories are forever haunting my mind, and its time for it to end. I can't keep living like this. Its over. Its the past. I'm moving on.

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To The Scars That Grace My Body: Im so over this. Every single time I have to look down its all just painful memories. There's nothing happy about the things connected with you. One on my ankle, one on my knee, four on my hands, nine on my wrists, && seven on my lower stomach. Im definitely getting the constant reminders of my struggles I have had since I was 12. The beatings I gave myself, they disappeared. The memories are almost never there. But this is different. These are just faded. They aren't gone. Its just a faded scar and a vivid memory to each one. Twenty two different memories. Each a different story, a different reason, a different mood. Its never a nice blur though. With so many, you'd think that I could just mix the memories and it'd be over. But no. There was a deliberate purpose to each and every stroke of my nails against my skin as it rubbed it raw and open. As the tears of blood trailed down my arm or leg or whatever it was that time 'round, it was sure to make a lasting imprint upon my body and my mind. And it did. But now its time to say goodbye to these scars. I know they wont disappear, but with time I can only hope they fade into almost nothingness. Its time for me to say goodbye to these memories and focus on the fact that it has been 2 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day since I've hurt myself. Its time to focus on adding days to that number. Its time to give up on the people who helped put me in so much pain that I would do that. So to you my scars, goodbye.


To The Love That Broke My Heart: I gave you 8 months of my life. I loved you unconditionally. You really were everything I wanted in a guy. You were talented, and caring. Sweet and funny. Loving and adoring. Total music lover. You were friends with everyone. I waited...7 months-ish to go out with you. I filled the time with other guys, but there was a reason it didn't ever work out. I was always stuck on you. Looking back, I realize it was stupid, but I hadn't found anyone quite like you. As cliche as it is, it was like...love at first sight for me. Instant connection. I had so much hope that we'd make it through everything. And it looked like we would. And then as quick as the connection was for me, the disconnection for you was there in an instant. All I can remember was telling you that if you were trying to get me to break up with you, you could grow up and do it yourself. And so you did. And I was crushed. Publicly humiliated actually. You were just at home, all fine. I was in front of people, at an academic team meet at another school. It was awful. Pure misery. And two days after that I just scratched myself like nobody's business. The promise I had made to stop hurting myself, was made to you, and you meant nothing now, and so did that promise. And then I stopped. You're just a boy, Ill find someone else. So to you my almost lover, goodbye.


To The Guys Who Taught Me "Tough Love": You guys are the worst cousins I've ever met. I know that I don't know everything about how you grew up, but I did know discipline came from a wooden spoon and knives and guns were as common as food was in your house. And maybe that lead to the hell you put my sister and I through when we stayed the summers at your house. I can still remember the scorching hot days you made my sister and I walk while you biked all around town. Miles and miles a day. Nobody else cared, it was good exercise. Yeah, until you realize I had undiagnosed asthma and no inhaler. The heat...it killed me. But we pushed through it. Both of us. And then you decided we knew our way around, and you abandoned us in the woods and told us it was only a few miles back to the house, and good luck. You took the food and water we had from earlier, and left. I remember sobbing, holding my sister, and praying we wouldn't die. Hours of screaming to be found. Finally, we got out, and we made it back. If I hate anyone, its you. And I was the cousin you liked. The threats of knifes being thrown at me? Yeah, not funny. Those things were sharp. Oh, and hiding in the wardrobe thing and watching while I changed outta my bathing suit and into normal clothes? Nooot cool. Yeah, I found out about it. Sorry to burst your macho bubble, but not cool. And of course, we must not forget the fact that you got drunk while watching us, refused us food, and talked about how you were gonna take your girlfriends v-card even though she wanted to stay abstinent. But you know what, you tried to strangle my sister and that was it. I blew up at you and it felt good. And then we told. We haven't been back in 3 summers. Thank God. But I know that if I ever want to go back to the family reunion, I'll have to see you. So help me, someone will have to hold me back, 'cause this summer might be the first time I see you since we told. If you even talk to me, someone's getting hurt, and I will promise you, it won't be me. But you're just a memory now. You haunt my every move, and I can't look at sharp objects the same. But you know what, Im better than you are, and Im better than these memories, and Im moving on. I would say see you in Hell, but I won't be there. So to the guys who broke me, goodbye.

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That was it. My final goodbyes. Sigh...I only hope this helps. Im sick over all of this right now, so this will be as far as I go.


-Yours Truly,
Ry