Still Breathing - 12/28/09

Ahh, Im such a liar =O

Im not going to talk about designer clothes today. Actually, this entire week is going to be dedicated to stuff like what I wrote yesterday and the day before. I realized that by admitting that stuff to you guys was more good than bad. I got a few emails yesterday, comments that were too long to post here. All I got was support. But here's another lovely picture for ya'll to look at. This will probably always relate to my life updates, just so ya'll know.

Picture This: The young girl is trying to help herself, since she knows shes not gonna get anything from her family. Funny enough, the people who were once so concerned are now denying it all. They can't handle it, and now they're gonna refuse to accept the truth. The girl knew it hurt, but she had to do it. She tries to go back on her old medicines sitting in the cabinet. Oh yes, this girl has gotten help before. But it all ended when the medications side effects almost led her to end her life. But nobody ever tried a different medication. She'd do fine without, right? Hah, nobody has ever been so wrong.

She weighs the options and swallows the pills and sleeps. And as she wakes she feels the side effects and she stops for a minute. Its about time for the morning dose but she waits and reweighs the options. Maybe, if this feeling continues, then she won't feel as guilty as she follows through with the overwhelming thoughts of death. Maybe, if the feeling doesn't continue, she'll get better. But does she really want to lose everything she has? Take that chance. She'll be called selfish after death. She hears her parents talk as they listen to stories of kids killing themselves. They're selfish in her parents eyes, and thats enough to break her down.

Shes cried herself back to sleep and skipped the morning dose. She stuffs the pills way back in the medicine cabinet and refuses to medicate herself for anything, just incase those wretched pills show up again. She doesn't know if she refuse death's call again.

Back to square one, and back to trying to fix things for herself. What to do, what to do? She thinks helplessly to herself that shes meant for this forever, and she just give up. And then she gets angry. Angry that the world can beat her down mentally and she can't bounce back. She punches pillows but gets no satisfaction. And she wonders why. And then she thinks back to why shes angry. She cant bounce back. And she ponders that thought for a bit...And then she pulls out the heaviest thing she can hold and swing and she beats herself. And shes sore and bruised and crying, but shes satisfied. Now she has control of some of the pain she goes through. And she knows its twisted and wrong, but it works. And so she continues. Shes did this before she got help. She just beat herself until she could take no more. And shes back at it again, and she almost becomes...addicted to the pain. And she thinks its better than hurting anyone else. And she leaves it at that. And she breaks a little more each time she does this. But she'll never tell.

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I dunno what tomorrows gonna bring but we'll find out together :/
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Life Updates -

Yeah, so thats some more of my story. And it'll keep coming out through the week. Maybe through writing this, I'll see a way to get help. Through writing this, you guys have left me comments to let me know Im not alone, and that Im strong enough to pull through, and that I should try to find the help, whether or not my family will be there for me. Tor said the best thing to me yesterday ---> "They say God gave us this life because we're strong enough to live it....but that doesn't mean we're strong enough to live it ALONE." And I agree completely. ::sigh::

Reading Corner!

So...like I said before...Im such a liar. I didnt read any more of Fall On Your Knees BUT, I did find it! So tonight when Im up until 3 in the morning, I'll catch up on my reading. Please forgive me, but life hit me at the worst time yesterday, and I just couldnt...handle anything for a bit. But I can tell you that I am more interested that ANYTHING to get to the point of this story xD

In My World Of Make Believe:

America is soon becoming popular for its obese people and fast food places. Ick. Sooo not what America stood for 50 years ago. The world has lost itself in convenience. We are lazy, and Im starting to think that we deserve to be known for obese people and fast food places. Wake up America, you are lazy bums who cant get off your computers and do something with your life. But in my world of Make Believe everyone is active. They make their own things, so they are constantly working to provide. The little kids make lots of friends and they are full of energy and constantly on the move. Nobody uses cars, they just walk or bike places. They prepare meals at home, all natural food, and no chemicals added ;)

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I think things come out better when I DONT plan what comes next!
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3rd section shall be some beautiful photography (:




AND THATS IT FOR TODAY!

-Yours Truly
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment on the story and on the rest of the blog!
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