"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"
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I'd Walk Right Through The Battlefields Of War And I'd End It All Right There: In the midst of the showering bullets and the pools of blood and the bodies of the lost and the pieces of the broken hearted, I'd end it all. The wars would be over. We could curl up with our families in front of the fireplaces and breathe the sigh of relief we've needed since the dawn of time. Peace for our time and all of the ones after that. The broken ties we've lived with for years would be mended. I wouldn't even care to be recognized for it. I'd rather let the world think that it finally just understood that the time was then to stop fighting. And yet the efforts of our veterans and the ones who've lost their lives to the brutal hands of war would not be in vain. They'd be honored like no others before them, for each person who didn't care who they killed as long as they killed there was a soldier out there who had in mind a handful of people they were personally fighting for. And we'd gather in the streets for our one last "Hurrah!" of the ends of destruction and from there our world would develop into something unknown to man for centuries. The purity of lives that had been intended for us when we were ready to take it, would begin. How wonderful it would be.
I'd Find The Cure For Lupus And All The Other Diseases Of The World: As selfish as it is, I've always wanted to live the life of a kid who had both parents fully functional. My mom was functional enough to build me up at 4 years old to be tested to go into school early. She put everything she had into my childhood. Always helping out, always taking me to sports or something. She still had Lupus, but it didn't flare like it does now. It hadn't begun to show its ugly face to us. And then without knowing the complications that could follow, my mom got pregnant with my sister. And soon after my mom started deteriorating right in front of my eyes. And there was nothing I could do at 5 years old to save her. And I still cant at 15. And the doctors can't either. And if I could do anything, I'd save her. And Id save everyone else with diseases, so nobody else has to feel the pain that my family and I have suffered because of this. My one true wish every day is for my mom to get better. The one thing I want more than anything else. And I know it will never come true, but one can only hope.
I'd Save My Friends From Themselves: There are two people I am writing this for. They both read my blog, only one knows me in real life, but Im protective of both even though they're both older than I am. I've spent the past year of my life destroying my body with the markings of my nails. And I wish I could take everything back. I've always lived by the saying "No Regrets", but this is the one thing in my life that I actually regret. 'Cause I've grown up and looking back on it, it was stupid. A simple mistake and lack of self control. God, just think, Ill have to explain this to my children. "Mommy, why do you have those dark spots on your arm? Did you get bruises? Are you hurt?". Only emotionally Im afraid. The physical hurt left a long time ago. And no those aren't bruises, those are scars. If only I could turn back the clocks and get rid of these things. But if I did that I'd never have the experience to tell you this: Its not worth it. At all.
You are worth so much more to this world than you would ever imagine. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world. And I care about you both. More than you probably know. Every time I read the words that tell me that you've hurt yourself again just crush me. They tear me to pieces. And you know, it hurts twice as bad when you can understand the pain thats usually behind each stroke of your nail or the blade. And it may sound hypocritical of me because I've been in that position, but the thing is, I stopped. I think I deserve the right to hate everything you're doing because I hated it when I did it and I hated it enough to stop doing it. I pray for you. Every day. And I pray that one day you'll realize everything that you're putting people through with this. And I pray that I'll believe you when you tell me you'll stop, or you want to. That I'll finally find the truth in your words. And until that day comes, I just continue to pray with all I have. I love you guys and I don't want this for you and I never will.
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If I had the chance, I'd change the world. But its all the things that I wish I could change that make me who I am, that make you who you are, and that make the world what its come to today. And some things never change, and some things never should. The world in the hands of peace and love is a place of lies. Its unnatural. And wish it was different or not, life will just continue down its path, just like each person in it.
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Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
What Would You Do - 5/25/10
Posted by R y ! (: at 7:25 PM
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2 comments:
ry, i know you dont believe me, and frankly i dont blame you, but i have put it in my heart and my mind that i am going to stop hurting myself, and even more than that i am going to stop hurting you and the other people i really care about. i understand if you dont believe me, but trust me when i say i am. i cant lie to your or greg and you both know everything. i promise im stopping. i love you sissy.
This was a very powerful blog, Ry. We all have hopes and dreams, for ourselves, for others, for the world. The only way we can do anything about it, the only way we can change it, is by setting the example through ourselves. I wish more than anything that I lived in a good, Christian world, where everyone believes in, follows, and loves God. I can't change how people think. But I can make a difference by being that Christian myself. I can witness and pray that others will make that difference, too, but that's out of my control. In the end, whatever it may be, must come from the person themselves. But regardless, it's nice to dream...
I have a paper chain hanging on my door. Each day I go without cutting, I put up a new link. I currently have 19 links and I need to add another. So basically 20. It's not much, but it's a start. The urge is gone. (replaced by a new urge hehe). I don't look at the scars and hate that they're fading. I don't look at the blank skin and wish to fill it. I can hold a razor in my hand and use it for only the right reasons. I don't cry myself to sleep or have breakdowns over it. Someone looked at my art not too long ago, and asked if I am a cutter. I felt odd saying yes, because I don't feel like I am anymore. Even since I've been off my medication, I haven't felt like doing it. I'm not saying I'll never want to do it again. I might. That's life, that's my life. But I've overcome it now and I can overcome it then. It's an addiction, but I'm recovering. I was doing it for Jay. Then I wanted to do it for you. But now that I'm writing this and really thinking through it...I realize I also want to do it for me. I'm not ashamed of my scars. I still think they're cool. I don't regret that I did it. It was a part of my life, a part of me. I have absolutely no negative feelings about it. But..at the same time...I want to quit. I want to know that I can be better, that I can be stronger. I -KNOW- I can. It helped me when I needed it, but it was just a chapter in my book, just a turn on my road. I quit. Maybe it'll happen again. Who knows? I don't want it to, but it might. I'm aware of that. But at this current moment, self harm is not at all a part of my life.
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