For All The Ones Who Never Knew - 5/23/10

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

Tor, this blog is all for you (: You deserve it!

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Dear Tor,

I know the words my fingers are forming across this screen will never add up to the words you deserve to hear. I just know it. But I also know that I really need to try to make sure that you understand how much you mean to me and that all the little things you've done for me have changed my life for the better. I dunno if you can remember just how bad I used to be. I try not to remember it, but its so clearly burned into my memory that I'll always be able to recall those times. I was so lost. I was afraid. Of the world, of trust, of new people...of myself. And then I magically met you. Chatzy definitely helped us keep in touch, and then Yahoo and Myyearbook when that wasn't available to us. I truthfully think that you and Ash were the only people on there that I was truly a great friend with. We had our fights and we had our problems along the way, but we always worked things out and apologized for our words. And Im glad we did, 'cause thats not how I wanna have to stop talking to you. Id rather die than the last words I say to you be bitter. I just wouldn't be able to handle that. Especially after everything you've helped me through. You knew about my scratching, my thoughts, my problems, my situation, my past. You knew it all. And I still try to keep you updated. But then you told me about your problems too. And I found out a lot about you. And it was nice to know that I was trusted enough by you for you to lemme know that stuff. I still remember going to whatever lengths it was to communicate with you, especially when you would leave Chatzy 'cause of what everyone else was saying. You had every right to say the things you did and when you left, I would get on Yahoo or whatever to try and find you and calm you down. I hope I helped.

You know what, the point of this wasn't to recap our history, though thats important too. This was supposed to be more of a thank you. So here it goes.

Thank you Tor. You mean everything to me, and I swear the words I say are true. You are the reason I stopped scratching. I didnt want to disappoint you. I look up to you like you wouldn't image. You're just one of those people to me. You're a forever friend too (: Everything you've done for me was everything that saved me. I thought I wasn't gonna get through March or the months that came previous to it. But because of you and select others, I made it. I didn't kill myself. I stopped scratching. I stopped thinking about hurting myself. I learned to cope. It was always for you Tor. The day you came into my life was the day that I was saved from myself. Thank you. I cant say anymore than that. Thank you.

I love you Tor, and I always will. You're one of the best and I hope the best for you and Jay and your future. You're futures so bright, you gotta wear shades B) Teehee, good luck in college!

-Love Always,
Ryanne (:

You Are My Forever Friend - 5/22/10

You'll never know how much you meant
You'll never know how much you still do,
You'll never understand the way I think
And the way I feel for you.
But if by chance realization dawns
And it finally all gets through,
I'll hope that you will feel the same
And I'll forever be with you.

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Thats it, its over. My freshman year has said its bittersweet goodbyes to me. Whilst my friends are still fretting over their finals that they could have avoided by some odd point percentages, I've managed to pull my grades above the finals line and I'm done. I'll see you in August Whiteland, 'cause Im out ;)

But still, I'll miss school. It was my one constant connection to friends and all the things I love so dearly. Call me what you wish, nerd, lame-o, whatever, but you know you'll miss it too. The constant beat of the shoes in the school hallways, the random gossip you pick up, the fashion do's (and dont's!), the slamming of the locker doors, the minute warning to get to class. You'll miss it and so will I. Ahh well, sunshine and summertime, here I come (:

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On another bitter sweet note, sooo much has happened this past month. Im gonna hafta update yahh on it. All of it.


I'm Taking A Break From Relationships: For those of you who know me well enough, that was the equivalent of me saying that Im going to the convents to become a nun. If you don't know me well enough...you'll still probably understand as much. But I'm seriously just...over the relationships. They're great if you can find the right person. Absolutely wonderful. Through all the fighting and bad times, when you can come out of that with the one person you love, you've got it good. But Im 2 months away from 15 and Im sure I wont find that person right now. So Im starting to feel as if I should stop even trying for a little bit and make sure that my heart and emotions can take a heart break when I fall for someone that wont catch me in the end. Or that my heart and emotions can take it when I have to admit that I fell out of love with someone who's still pining away at me with all they've got. I dont wanna have to take that pain, or give that pain right now. Ive got so much going on right now. Its just...the additional heavyweight on my shoulders that I dont want. Maybe when school starts again. Just maybe...

I'm Making An Effort Towards My Happiness: If you truly know me, and I mean, really truly absolutely know me, you'll know about my past. You'll probably know more than I ever wanted to tell you. But you made me feel comfortable enough with you that I could tell you. Either you knew what I went through or you are just that kind of person that makes me wanna trust you with the world. Or maybe you're both, but whatever you are to me, you know. And you'll know that the events of my life hit me hard, and I didn't handle it as well as I should have. Well its been 2 months. And you dont know how much effort that took on my part. It took everything I had. Ive started putting so much into my future and my school and my life that I dont want to do that anymore. Well thats a lie. When times gets hard, I do want to do it again. But now I cope. Yeah, thats right. I cope. The one thing Ive been trying to do for the longest time, Ive finally accomplished. Ive never been prouder of myself. And you know what, its because of all of the things I was smart enough to let go of, and all of the things I was lucky enough to become part of. I let go of Corey and I wound up finding Greg and Ashley. I was forced to give up choir today due to scheduling conflicts, but I gained Newspaper. I'll be a proud member of Whiteland's Smoke Signals newspaper staff come next August. I'll be going to Ball State this summer for workshops, and I'll start at an upperclassmen position as a sophomore. Ive got the world rooting for me and God and my friends and family by my side. Life. Is. Good.

I Found New "Forever Friends": Forever friends, has been defined by this quote:

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend hold your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.

I've found two forever friends this year. Just in these past few months actually. Its amazing how little it takes to realize that someone is meant to be a great friend. Maybe thats just it. Maybe when its that instant connection and the instant bond that connects you finds two people, you just know. From this quote, this sounds like youre lucky just to find one person like this in a lifetime. Well by the looks of things, Ive found two in just a matter of months. How lucky I am.

Ashley: Darling, we've met under the most unusual of circumstances. If we had turned back the clocks to 6 months ago and someone had asked me if I'd ever think I'd find as good as a friend as you are, and if I'd ever think that we'd meet the way we did, I'd have to ask them if they'd like to be sent to a mental institution, 'cause that's just crazy. But here we are, sisters bonded by similarities that are scary to even think about. Our past and our present and our personalities, they are so alike. Its like God duplicated the same person and put them into two different bodies. I guess we're just such great people there had to be two of us out there! Now every single thing in our life might not match up, but I have to say they're pretty darn close. You know so much about me. You're one of those forever friends. Things should have gotten awkward between us waaaay back to when we met, but it didnt. Im not sure what kind of magic it took, but I think we were just meant to be 'sisters' like this, no matter the situation. Im so glad I met you. Im so glad that through everything that this life has thrown at you, youve been strong enough to make it up to this day. I dont wanna have to be without yahh, so even though you're gonna be graduating soon, we've gotta stick together, alright? Good (: I love you sissy! <3

Greg: Hunn, where do I begin with you? Lemme say this much: you are a complete dork, but I love you regardless ;) Now you told me about the 3 different kinds of love and Im glad you did. I can tell you I love you and you'll understand that its the best friends sorta love, and you'll never miss out on the chance to hear the words "I love you" because someone didn't understand that it didnt always have to be a lust kind of thing. We started out as meeting at the lunch table when I went to sit with Bradi. And then we were friends, but we still didnt talk outside of the lunch room. And then all of a sudden I showed up to do Bye Bye Birdie tech crew, and there you were. Haha, I can still remember the surprise at finding you there. Im glad you were there though, 'cause that really started our forever friendship. Right there at that point, I knew we'd be great friends. Tech crew was the best experience ever. Even though you definitely ditched us for Franklin's prom on opening night (you'll never live it down!) you picked up the slack the rest of the time. You definitely helped me stay calm when all I wanted to do was freak out under the stress. And after that was over, we started talking outside of school and between classes and we definitely became best friends. I dont care if you're a going to Ivy Tech, we're staying in touch, mkay? Glad we got that covered. I love you best friend! <3

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Yahh know what, I think Im just going to stop there for today. Ive got something that I wanna write, but it needs to go on a separate blog post, and I dont think that writing it at 2 in the morning will wind up being any good. I dunno how much justice I can give something like that. And there are some negative things, but those too need to go on a separate post.

So thats all for now (:

Much Love,
Ryanne <3

Things Change - 04/11/10

So I haven't posted in 2 months...wow. I feel like such a slacker. This won't follow the normal formats Ive kept up, so just bear with me. I most definitely need to update you guys on my life.

My Heart Was Broken 3/16/10 Yuppers, it happened. I cant forget it, get it out of my head...He broke up with me. Corey said that he wanted to just give us time to work on ourselves before we worked on a relationship. I begged and I pleaded. He was kinda heartless about it. The more I wanted it to be taken back, the more he wanted it to be permanent. But I will NOT place the blame upon myself for this. I did nothing wrong. And I guess Im actually happier without him. Especially after seeing how he is with his new girlfriend (yeah, it wasn't about finding someone new, yet he went and found her...)

I had choir dance auditions last Monday, 4/5/10, and Corey's new girlfriend Alyce was trying out too. Now I was friends with her before and everything, but she came in through those doors and I saw it...a hickey bigger than the size of a half dollar near her chest. Wooow, whadda whore move Corey. Way to go. You sure didnt help her reputation any you idiot. So everyone saw it, I said it was whorish, she ignored me, my friends consoled me...but the best part was when we were learning our dance. Lmao, she couldnt get it for the life of her. Since when was spinning in circles so difficult for a pixie like her? I think reality smacked her across the face and her Prince Charming cannot help her now. But, he might help her get knocked up in a month. Anyone taking bets? I would, but Im not sure they'd last that long. Imma witch, I know, but come on, its whats keeping me going right now.

Im in the process of talking to a new guy. Im super happy about it, I feel so much better with him. He's a total sweetheart, and he cares. And he knows about the things Ive done in the past and am doing still today, and hes still talking to me. If only he didnt live 45 minutes away. But he has family where I live, so just another reason to visit more I suppose ;)


I Made A New Close Friend Katrina Schwamberger, you wont read this, but you have probably saved me these past few days. Really truly you have.

Now the first semester of school I kinda thought Katrina was a little annoying. But after Spring Break we came back to school and suddenly I found myself talking to her. I would tell her not to try so hard with her makeup and stuff, and not to let people get her down, and to be happy when she was sad. I saw how bad she was hurting and I know how it feels. I helped her. She started confiding in me. I truly think Im one of her closest friends now. She tells me one heck of a lot of stuff. And she trusts me. And she doesn't know the bad things Ive done, but I think shed be forgiving of me...Shes a good friend, I tell her alot of stuff too. Its nice to have someone to talk to about things halfway through the day.

I Realized How Stupid Ive Been So I have a board in my bedroom that is half cork board and half dry erase board. On the cork board side I have awesome quotes and pictures of friends and I and tickets and pins. On the dry erase side I have something that says: Erin Took Over On: and then it has dates of the days she's come over. We used to hang out every other week, if not every week, and then the days after Corey broke up with me, I went to check the board again. Erin had signed 2 times since I went out with Corey, and then I remembered I had been over to her house once. I seriously cried, and I told her about it. Now, she doesnt hang out with me anymore 'cause of her boyfriend, but I did the same thing and I realized how stupid I was. I feel terrible...Its not fair to her, and I let a few months of a boyfriend overpower 5 years of a best friend. Im working on it now though. I hung out with friends all this weekend, first time in 9 months, and I feel great.


I Scratched Myself Nine More Times Yeeeah, not something Im proud of. My scratch count is up to 20 even, and Im losing control. I need help, but Im barely getting any. These meds wont start working for another 3 weeks. Im not sure I'll make it until then.

Thursday night everything caught up with me. My dad's dad had died Wednesday, I had had it with all the fighting, the drama, everything. But I didnt scratch 'cause I remembered the promise I had made to Corey. Now I cut off communication with Corey the day I saw his new girlfriend and her hickey. So I remembered that he meant nothing to me now, so that promise meant nothing to me. I scratched 9 times. 8 of them were for the 8 months I hadnt scratched and had wasted on Corey. The 9th scratch was for the month after he had broken up with me and all the pain I had experienced since then. I was over it. The smallest was an inch long. The two longest went up my sides. One on each side, from my waistband to my rib cage. It was terrible, and it hurts soo bad in the chlorine of the pool.


I Found A Definite Religion For Myself The other day I was looking on a friend's profile page, and her religion said "Unitarian", so having never heard of it before, I went and looked it up. And it described my beliefs perfectly. Its still a Christian religion though, just slightly different. The main points of that religion are:

- Belief in One God and the oneness or unity of God (We reject the Trinity)
- The life and teachings of Jesus Christ constitute the exemplar model for living one's own life.
- Reason, rational thought, science, and philosophy coexist with faith in God.
- Humans have the ability to exercise free will in a responsible, constructive and ethical manner with the assistance of religion.
- Human nature in its present condition is neither inherently corrupt nor depraved (see Original Sin), but capable of both good and evil, as God intended.
- Conviction that no religion can claim an absolute monopoly on the Holy Spirit or theological truth.
- Though the authors of the Bible were inspired by God, they were humans and therefore subject to human error.
- Rejection of traditional doctrines that they believe malign God's character or veil the true nature and mission of Jesus Christ, such as the doctrines of predestination, eternal damnation, and the vicarious sacrifice or satisfaction theory of the Atonement.

And I am the form of Unitarianism that believes that Jesus did not exist as a person before human life, and that Jesus is not God himself.


I Found New Favorite Quotes

- I wanna be your favorite hello && your hardest goodbye.
- If you ran like your mouth you'd be in shape.
- One finger up and I'm out, 'cause you aren't even worth two.
- Life is like photography, you develop from the negatives.
- If home is where the heart is, why'd I ever leave your arms?
- There's 400 miles between us && I want them gone.
- One smile can't change the world, but your smile changes mine.
- The caged bird sings a soft song of sorrow, wistfully wishing for a livable tomorrow. (From a poem of mine.)
- I owe you nothing && you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.


All done for the day. Glad to be back to blogging, might do it more often.

- Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

Sorrow - 2/5/10

I truthfully didnt think I'd find this when I got on Chatzy today:

KavyaK: I miss Ry...
Lancey: Mhmm.
Lancey: I agree.
Lancey: She is working herself so hard, she barley ever comes on.
Lancey: (And she stopped her blog posts)
KavyaK: I knw...
KavyaK: :(
Lancey nods.
Lancey: I think she needs that time. To reflect. I know I do.
KavyaK: Wat happened to her?

You miss me? I wasnt aware I was there to begin with. I feel as if Ive been flitting in and out of my reality. And therefore completely butchering my reality...

Agh, Im so sorry guys. I feel like Ive failed you, but Im just trying to take care of myself before Im in too deep. I guess I have so explaining to do for those of you who have missed my talks about things. Here it goes... :|

So I stopped therapy and meds in July/August due to the fact that the meds made me want to die and the therapy made me feel better and I thought I was all fixed. Pshh, that was mistake number 1. So between my family getting snippy with each other, my mom being sick, my own personal illness, the pressure I put on myself to do well in school, and my nostalgia for what once was, I broke down. Completely let myself get screwed over by my emotions. So I scratched the skin raw on my body in the following places: 4 times on my wrist, 4 times on my forearm, 2 times on the skin right below my stomach, 1 time on my knee cap, and 2 times on my left hand index finger. Its kinda terrifying how far Im letting myself fall.

Anyways, so I did that, and I asked one of my teachers if I could talk to her. And she asked if I needed her or the counselor. So I showed her my arm 'cause I couldnt even speak it. And she took me down to Guidance, and they told my dad. Yeah..not good. So my dad made me a therapist appt. that day. And I talked it out and I actually had hope for me getting better. Mistake number 2 Im afraid. So 3 days ago (Tuesday) I got a phone call from my therapist's office. Basically, she had been moved to a new facility and I was screwed. At least thats how I interpreted it. But anyways, I feel as if Im in so deep that I dont have time to "get to know" a new therapist. But I have to. Its not my decision, 'cause we all know I cant go this alone. So Im trying to pick up my moods and not scratch again. And Corey's been deprived of his phone, so Ive resorted to talking to his mom (Who let me call her phone and talk to him for 30 minutes!) about all this. So...we'll see how this goes.

Please note: These meds have drained me, so I just sleep once I get home, explaining some of my absence. But now that I saw that, I think Im more motivated to pull through. Im trying guys, I really am :|

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Im addicted to this song now, and it'll be my art section for the day -

Sorrow by Flyleaf

Sometimes life seems too quiet
Into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark
Meant to make me strong

Familiar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow last through this night
I'll take this piece of You
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

And we kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's halfway mine
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by His angel light

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me
And up into the stars

Joy will come






AND THATS ALL!

Yours Truly,
Ry (:

P.S. - Comment, Read, Review, Suggest.
P.P.S. - I wrote this to update you, so its lacking organization :|
P.P.P.S. - If you liked the lyrics, heres the song -> Sorrow by Flyleaf

Dear Me - 1/26/10

): <---All of my emotion summed up into one emoticon.

Dear Me,

You might not understand things now, but Im sure you will later. Or actually, Im hoping you will later. Im not sure how the future works, but Im gonna do all I can to change the bad things that are 99.9% gonna happen. Im going to take that .1% and turn things around. Thats all I really need. Give me .1% of a chance and you've given me hope. I don't know what's been going on in that head of yours. When you looked in the mirror today you look so sad. I dont know what happened to you, but it did. Seemingly overnight. Things are spiraling downward for you and Im not sure how you're going to pick yourself back up. But Im sure you will. You'll find a way. You're "driven" as they say. And being down isn't good enough for you. Just like your grades arent good enough for you. Just like life isnt good enough for you. Just like everything isn't good enough for you.

Today I saw a different person in you. You were so down that you couldnt even hide it anymore. Everything was breaking down the walls that you put up. *BANG BANG BANG* And the walls fall down. You cant hide things anymore and you know it. And you know where this all started from? Your inability to handle yourself and your emotions. Look at what you did to yourself. Look at it. Don't act like you can't see it. Right there, there on your wrist. Those scratches. I know you see them. Just like your emotions, you cant hide them anymore. What a hypocrite. You get mad at others for cutting and then you go and scratch your skin raw. I understand youre frustrated, but who do you think you are to go and tell off other people and do something similar to yourself, in the same day no less! I dont care if you dont realize what youre doing until after its done. I dont care anymore. Just like you dont care.

You gave up caring the other day. I saw it when you looked in the mirror the other day. I looked in your eyes and I saw the emptiness and the fire of passion for living reduced to ashes. You tried though. Ill give you that. You tried. Not hard enough, but you tried. Look at all those pretty drawings you made. Look at all the poetry you write. Look at all the people you have that care for you. Why dont you look at the resources you have and use them? You waste the wonderful gift of having someone who cares. There are people out there who would love that gift. And you just look at it as pity and you dont take the chance. And here we all were thinking you were smart and good.

I know this is hard for you to read. Heck, its hard to write. But its the truth, and you need to realize and accept the truth so you can accept the help. The help isnt going to get through to you if the understanding of what you've done hasn't gotten through to you. Im writing this so you can accept and move on. This is your chance to have proof of what you did. And now you can look back on this and say, "This is what I did wrong." and then you can point to your achievements and say, "This is what I did to change the wrong. This is what I did right." This is for you, self. Take the chance and do something with it. Dont waste this opportunity like you did every other.


-Yours Truly
The Voice Inside Of You

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Sadly In My Corner

Sadly in my corner,
I sit and write the name
Of every single person
Who thought this was a game.

Sadly in my corner,
With my mouth curled in a frown
I think of all the people
That really put me down.

Sadly in my corner,
Vulnerable and weak
I think of all the times
I decided not to speak.

Sadly in my corner,
I say a little prayer
For the voice of reason
To come and find me there.

Sadly in my corner
I write the last goodbye
I rest my head into my hands,
And simply start to cry.

Sadly in my corner
I begin to see the light
I see the pills are kicking in,
And I begin to fight.

Sadly in my corner
I finally realize my wrong
As I find my way to heaven
And sadly sing a song.

Sadly in my corner
As I greet Heavens gate
I think about how life once was
And how what I had was great.

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Thats all for today :|

-Yours Truly,
Ry (:

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P.P.S. - Suggest others to this blog.

Cutting - 1/24/10

No offense, but any kind of self-injurer is an idiot. Yes, I just called myself an idiot, but its true, you aren't going to get anywhere with this -

So a friend of mine has decided that instead of avoiding the problem of being suicidal and depression, she is going to face this problem head on...by cutting. All I can say is, "Who do you think you're helping by cutting yourself?" Like I wasn't worried enough about you in the first place, now you are going to go and cut yourself. How lovely. I'll begin the countdown to your death, because if you're stupid enough to start an addiction and say you are no magically no longer suicidal and just needed to do this, you're going to die. Because you don't need to do this...AGH! I just hate this...hate it, hate it, HATE IT. This is what she posted (ALONG WITH A FREAKIN' PICTURE OF HER CUT ON HER LEG!)

"I did it. Just on my leg, nothing really. I just needed to do it - prove it to others and prove it to myself. I am capable of it. I'm not suicidal. That's why I just did it on my leg. But I was sick of being scared and weak. I took on my enemy and tackled him down. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to live my life focused solely on that. I can live my life now. I can."

Waaaait a minute, did you just say "nothing really"? Oh yes, that cut I made on my leg? Yeah, thats nothing really. What the heck? It is something though! I don't know what makes you think its nothing really. Thats just like me saying, oh that leg encased in bruises? Thats nothing really.

Did you not realize that you just gave yourself a constant reminder of the pain you've been going through? "I dont have to live my life focused solely on that." Actually, from what I know, your life wasn't focused solely on that to begin with. But now you just made sure that you have a reminder to focus you back on the pain.

Im disgusted at how twisted it was of her (or you, because I know you're going to read this...) to post a picture of that cut...I was completely disgusted and went to throw up as soon as I saw that. Twisted.

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Btw, as I searced "self-harm" in Google Images in order to come up with the pictures for this, I was completely disgusted. My bruising was absolutely no better than this, but now that I see this stuff...ick.
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Picking Up The Pieces - 1/23/10

Nothing hurts more than feeling second-best. <--I feel this often :/

When you purposely say that you will not do the right thing and that you will screw up a relationship because the other person messed up, I lose respect for you in an instant. Sorry Dad, Im such a Daddy's Girl and I tell you everything and you have to be both parents for me and Jordan, but...Ive lost respect for you as you destroy the relationship you have with you kids because you want to prove your authority...


Alright, ranting day...hmm...mkay, story time -

Looking in the mirror the young girl sits at the edge of the bathroom counter, peers into the mirror, and examines the face that she puts on for the rest of the world.

Eyeliner and mascara to make her eyes look less red - Check. Powder to make the flush of her constant fever go away - Check. Concealer to hide the purple under her eyes - Check. Lip gloss to make her lips look natural and not ghostly pale and blue - Check. Fake smile to hide the emotions - Check. Eyes that hide the truth - Check.

She's ready to start her day as someone she doesn't even know. A stranger.

And she's slowly building up her confidence inside to take that one day every month or so that she takes off the makeup and discards the fancy clothes for sweats and a t-shirt. The day that the world finally sees how bad she truly is.

Shes cold inside and feverish outside. Shes sick, but she doesn't want pity. She needs help but she doesn't want to end up like her mom. Shes angry but she doesn't want to have someone else listen to her problems. Shes sad but she doesn't want to waste her tears. Shes depressed but she doesn't want to take the pills. Shes tired but she doesn't want to waste the day in dreams. Shes different but she doesn't want to take the chance of someone criticizing her. Shes smart but she doesn't want to face the expectations. Shes a completely different person than the one everyone sees but she doesn't want the world to know how she is. They would never except it.

She picks up a book about suicide and sending out tapes to the people who ultimately tied together to screw her life up. And she thinks its brilliant and she starts to list the names and make the connections. And then she sees what shes doing and she cries, crumples the paper, and throws it off into an unseen corner and just sobs. Shes broken but wheres the glue that will put her back together again?

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I dunno where that glue is, but find it soon please ):
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Life Updates -

I am sooo sore, sooo tired, and sooo completely drained. And sick, don't forget sick.

Im Sore Because: I went to a skating party fundraiser for my sisters school, well shes a 4th grader so all these 9 year olds kept purposely tripping me 'cause I was her sister, and I am bruised ALL OVER!

Im Tired Because: My medicine hates me =P Stupid side effects. I always have exaggerated side effects so "fatigue" is equal to "you could sleep and if it was up to you, you would never wake up again, you're so tired." <---Probably exaggerated a little xD

Im Sick Because: Another lovely side effect of my meds is Nasal Congestion. So I sound stuffed up. But I still have my cough. A month and a half later. Not as constant, but when I do cough its like an episode and lasts forever and REEEAAALLLY hurts!

More Of My Medicines Side Effects That I Might Develop: Nausea, Insomnia (difficulty sleeping), Fatigue and drowsiness, Increased sweating, Back pain, Urinary tract infection, Vomiting, and Nasal congestion. <---FML. >:(


***Im not gonna do a Reading Corner today, because 13 Reasons Why is a major thing for me to talk about, and Im going to devote an entire blog post to it sometime soon, and since Im not reading any other books, the Reading Corner shall be empty for a bit. Sorry!

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This 3rd section will be a bunch of pictures (and not the pretty photography):























THATS ALL FOR THE DAY!

-Yours Truly,
Ry (:


P.S. - Comments, Reviews, Suggestions, Criticism = APPRECIATED!
P.P.S. - Give me song titles!
P.P.P.S. - Suggest this blog to other people.
P.P.P.P.S. - PLEASE COMMENT THE FIRST SECTION AT LEAST!
P.P.P.P.P.S. - The first section means the most to me :/