Things Change - 04/11/10

So I haven't posted in 2 months...wow. I feel like such a slacker. This won't follow the normal formats Ive kept up, so just bear with me. I most definitely need to update you guys on my life.

My Heart Was Broken 3/16/10 Yuppers, it happened. I cant forget it, get it out of my head...He broke up with me. Corey said that he wanted to just give us time to work on ourselves before we worked on a relationship. I begged and I pleaded. He was kinda heartless about it. The more I wanted it to be taken back, the more he wanted it to be permanent. But I will NOT place the blame upon myself for this. I did nothing wrong. And I guess Im actually happier without him. Especially after seeing how he is with his new girlfriend (yeah, it wasn't about finding someone new, yet he went and found her...)

I had choir dance auditions last Monday, 4/5/10, and Corey's new girlfriend Alyce was trying out too. Now I was friends with her before and everything, but she came in through those doors and I saw it...a hickey bigger than the size of a half dollar near her chest. Wooow, whadda whore move Corey. Way to go. You sure didnt help her reputation any you idiot. So everyone saw it, I said it was whorish, she ignored me, my friends consoled me...but the best part was when we were learning our dance. Lmao, she couldnt get it for the life of her. Since when was spinning in circles so difficult for a pixie like her? I think reality smacked her across the face and her Prince Charming cannot help her now. But, he might help her get knocked up in a month. Anyone taking bets? I would, but Im not sure they'd last that long. Imma witch, I know, but come on, its whats keeping me going right now.

Im in the process of talking to a new guy. Im super happy about it, I feel so much better with him. He's a total sweetheart, and he cares. And he knows about the things Ive done in the past and am doing still today, and hes still talking to me. If only he didnt live 45 minutes away. But he has family where I live, so just another reason to visit more I suppose ;)


I Made A New Close Friend Katrina Schwamberger, you wont read this, but you have probably saved me these past few days. Really truly you have.

Now the first semester of school I kinda thought Katrina was a little annoying. But after Spring Break we came back to school and suddenly I found myself talking to her. I would tell her not to try so hard with her makeup and stuff, and not to let people get her down, and to be happy when she was sad. I saw how bad she was hurting and I know how it feels. I helped her. She started confiding in me. I truly think Im one of her closest friends now. She tells me one heck of a lot of stuff. And she trusts me. And she doesn't know the bad things Ive done, but I think shed be forgiving of me...Shes a good friend, I tell her alot of stuff too. Its nice to have someone to talk to about things halfway through the day.

I Realized How Stupid Ive Been So I have a board in my bedroom that is half cork board and half dry erase board. On the cork board side I have awesome quotes and pictures of friends and I and tickets and pins. On the dry erase side I have something that says: Erin Took Over On: and then it has dates of the days she's come over. We used to hang out every other week, if not every week, and then the days after Corey broke up with me, I went to check the board again. Erin had signed 2 times since I went out with Corey, and then I remembered I had been over to her house once. I seriously cried, and I told her about it. Now, she doesnt hang out with me anymore 'cause of her boyfriend, but I did the same thing and I realized how stupid I was. I feel terrible...Its not fair to her, and I let a few months of a boyfriend overpower 5 years of a best friend. Im working on it now though. I hung out with friends all this weekend, first time in 9 months, and I feel great.


I Scratched Myself Nine More Times Yeeeah, not something Im proud of. My scratch count is up to 20 even, and Im losing control. I need help, but Im barely getting any. These meds wont start working for another 3 weeks. Im not sure I'll make it until then.

Thursday night everything caught up with me. My dad's dad had died Wednesday, I had had it with all the fighting, the drama, everything. But I didnt scratch 'cause I remembered the promise I had made to Corey. Now I cut off communication with Corey the day I saw his new girlfriend and her hickey. So I remembered that he meant nothing to me now, so that promise meant nothing to me. I scratched 9 times. 8 of them were for the 8 months I hadnt scratched and had wasted on Corey. The 9th scratch was for the month after he had broken up with me and all the pain I had experienced since then. I was over it. The smallest was an inch long. The two longest went up my sides. One on each side, from my waistband to my rib cage. It was terrible, and it hurts soo bad in the chlorine of the pool.


I Found A Definite Religion For Myself The other day I was looking on a friend's profile page, and her religion said "Unitarian", so having never heard of it before, I went and looked it up. And it described my beliefs perfectly. Its still a Christian religion though, just slightly different. The main points of that religion are:

- Belief in One God and the oneness or unity of God (We reject the Trinity)
- The life and teachings of Jesus Christ constitute the exemplar model for living one's own life.
- Reason, rational thought, science, and philosophy coexist with faith in God.
- Humans have the ability to exercise free will in a responsible, constructive and ethical manner with the assistance of religion.
- Human nature in its present condition is neither inherently corrupt nor depraved (see Original Sin), but capable of both good and evil, as God intended.
- Conviction that no religion can claim an absolute monopoly on the Holy Spirit or theological truth.
- Though the authors of the Bible were inspired by God, they were humans and therefore subject to human error.
- Rejection of traditional doctrines that they believe malign God's character or veil the true nature and mission of Jesus Christ, such as the doctrines of predestination, eternal damnation, and the vicarious sacrifice or satisfaction theory of the Atonement.

And I am the form of Unitarianism that believes that Jesus did not exist as a person before human life, and that Jesus is not God himself.


I Found New Favorite Quotes

- I wanna be your favorite hello && your hardest goodbye.
- If you ran like your mouth you'd be in shape.
- One finger up and I'm out, 'cause you aren't even worth two.
- Life is like photography, you develop from the negatives.
- If home is where the heart is, why'd I ever leave your arms?
- There's 400 miles between us && I want them gone.
- One smile can't change the world, but your smile changes mine.
- The caged bird sings a soft song of sorrow, wistfully wishing for a livable tomorrow. (From a poem of mine.)
- I owe you nothing && you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.


All done for the day. Glad to be back to blogging, might do it more often.

- Yours Truly,
Ryanne (:

Sorrow - 2/5/10

I truthfully didnt think I'd find this when I got on Chatzy today:

KavyaK: I miss Ry...
Lancey: Mhmm.
Lancey: I agree.
Lancey: She is working herself so hard, she barley ever comes on.
Lancey: (And she stopped her blog posts)
KavyaK: I knw...
KavyaK: :(
Lancey nods.
Lancey: I think she needs that time. To reflect. I know I do.
KavyaK: Wat happened to her?

You miss me? I wasnt aware I was there to begin with. I feel as if Ive been flitting in and out of my reality. And therefore completely butchering my reality...

Agh, Im so sorry guys. I feel like Ive failed you, but Im just trying to take care of myself before Im in too deep. I guess I have so explaining to do for those of you who have missed my talks about things. Here it goes... :|

So I stopped therapy and meds in July/August due to the fact that the meds made me want to die and the therapy made me feel better and I thought I was all fixed. Pshh, that was mistake number 1. So between my family getting snippy with each other, my mom being sick, my own personal illness, the pressure I put on myself to do well in school, and my nostalgia for what once was, I broke down. Completely let myself get screwed over by my emotions. So I scratched the skin raw on my body in the following places: 4 times on my wrist, 4 times on my forearm, 2 times on the skin right below my stomach, 1 time on my knee cap, and 2 times on my left hand index finger. Its kinda terrifying how far Im letting myself fall.

Anyways, so I did that, and I asked one of my teachers if I could talk to her. And she asked if I needed her or the counselor. So I showed her my arm 'cause I couldnt even speak it. And she took me down to Guidance, and they told my dad. Yeah..not good. So my dad made me a therapist appt. that day. And I talked it out and I actually had hope for me getting better. Mistake number 2 Im afraid. So 3 days ago (Tuesday) I got a phone call from my therapist's office. Basically, she had been moved to a new facility and I was screwed. At least thats how I interpreted it. But anyways, I feel as if Im in so deep that I dont have time to "get to know" a new therapist. But I have to. Its not my decision, 'cause we all know I cant go this alone. So Im trying to pick up my moods and not scratch again. And Corey's been deprived of his phone, so Ive resorted to talking to his mom (Who let me call her phone and talk to him for 30 minutes!) about all this. So...we'll see how this goes.

Please note: These meds have drained me, so I just sleep once I get home, explaining some of my absence. But now that I saw that, I think Im more motivated to pull through. Im trying guys, I really am :|

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Im addicted to this song now, and it'll be my art section for the day -

Sorrow by Flyleaf

Sometimes life seems too quiet
Into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark
Meant to make me strong

Familiar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me
Sitting closer than my pain
He knew each tear before it came
Soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow last through this night
I'll take this piece of You
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me

And we kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's halfway mine
The sword is slicing through the question
So I won't be fooled by His angel light

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hope for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As You flew right through me
And up into the stars

Joy will come






AND THATS ALL!

Yours Truly,
Ry (:

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P.P.S. - I wrote this to update you, so its lacking organization :|
P.P.P.S. - If you liked the lyrics, heres the song -> Sorrow by Flyleaf

Dear Me - 1/26/10

): <---All of my emotion summed up into one emoticon.

Dear Me,

You might not understand things now, but Im sure you will later. Or actually, Im hoping you will later. Im not sure how the future works, but Im gonna do all I can to change the bad things that are 99.9% gonna happen. Im going to take that .1% and turn things around. Thats all I really need. Give me .1% of a chance and you've given me hope. I don't know what's been going on in that head of yours. When you looked in the mirror today you look so sad. I dont know what happened to you, but it did. Seemingly overnight. Things are spiraling downward for you and Im not sure how you're going to pick yourself back up. But Im sure you will. You'll find a way. You're "driven" as they say. And being down isn't good enough for you. Just like your grades arent good enough for you. Just like life isnt good enough for you. Just like everything isn't good enough for you.

Today I saw a different person in you. You were so down that you couldnt even hide it anymore. Everything was breaking down the walls that you put up. *BANG BANG BANG* And the walls fall down. You cant hide things anymore and you know it. And you know where this all started from? Your inability to handle yourself and your emotions. Look at what you did to yourself. Look at it. Don't act like you can't see it. Right there, there on your wrist. Those scratches. I know you see them. Just like your emotions, you cant hide them anymore. What a hypocrite. You get mad at others for cutting and then you go and scratch your skin raw. I understand youre frustrated, but who do you think you are to go and tell off other people and do something similar to yourself, in the same day no less! I dont care if you dont realize what youre doing until after its done. I dont care anymore. Just like you dont care.

You gave up caring the other day. I saw it when you looked in the mirror the other day. I looked in your eyes and I saw the emptiness and the fire of passion for living reduced to ashes. You tried though. Ill give you that. You tried. Not hard enough, but you tried. Look at all those pretty drawings you made. Look at all the poetry you write. Look at all the people you have that care for you. Why dont you look at the resources you have and use them? You waste the wonderful gift of having someone who cares. There are people out there who would love that gift. And you just look at it as pity and you dont take the chance. And here we all were thinking you were smart and good.

I know this is hard for you to read. Heck, its hard to write. But its the truth, and you need to realize and accept the truth so you can accept the help. The help isnt going to get through to you if the understanding of what you've done hasn't gotten through to you. Im writing this so you can accept and move on. This is your chance to have proof of what you did. And now you can look back on this and say, "This is what I did wrong." and then you can point to your achievements and say, "This is what I did to change the wrong. This is what I did right." This is for you, self. Take the chance and do something with it. Dont waste this opportunity like you did every other.


-Yours Truly
The Voice Inside Of You

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Sadly In My Corner

Sadly in my corner,
I sit and write the name
Of every single person
Who thought this was a game.

Sadly in my corner,
With my mouth curled in a frown
I think of all the people
That really put me down.

Sadly in my corner,
Vulnerable and weak
I think of all the times
I decided not to speak.

Sadly in my corner,
I say a little prayer
For the voice of reason
To come and find me there.

Sadly in my corner
I write the last goodbye
I rest my head into my hands,
And simply start to cry.

Sadly in my corner
I begin to see the light
I see the pills are kicking in,
And I begin to fight.

Sadly in my corner
I finally realize my wrong
As I find my way to heaven
And sadly sing a song.

Sadly in my corner
As I greet Heavens gate
I think about how life once was
And how what I had was great.

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Thats all for today :|

-Yours Truly,
Ry (:

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Cutting - 1/24/10

No offense, but any kind of self-injurer is an idiot. Yes, I just called myself an idiot, but its true, you aren't going to get anywhere with this -

So a friend of mine has decided that instead of avoiding the problem of being suicidal and depression, she is going to face this problem head on...by cutting. All I can say is, "Who do you think you're helping by cutting yourself?" Like I wasn't worried enough about you in the first place, now you are going to go and cut yourself. How lovely. I'll begin the countdown to your death, because if you're stupid enough to start an addiction and say you are no magically no longer suicidal and just needed to do this, you're going to die. Because you don't need to do this...AGH! I just hate this...hate it, hate it, HATE IT. This is what she posted (ALONG WITH A FREAKIN' PICTURE OF HER CUT ON HER LEG!)

"I did it. Just on my leg, nothing really. I just needed to do it - prove it to others and prove it to myself. I am capable of it. I'm not suicidal. That's why I just did it on my leg. But I was sick of being scared and weak. I took on my enemy and tackled him down. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to live my life focused solely on that. I can live my life now. I can."

Waaaait a minute, did you just say "nothing really"? Oh yes, that cut I made on my leg? Yeah, thats nothing really. What the heck? It is something though! I don't know what makes you think its nothing really. Thats just like me saying, oh that leg encased in bruises? Thats nothing really.

Did you not realize that you just gave yourself a constant reminder of the pain you've been going through? "I dont have to live my life focused solely on that." Actually, from what I know, your life wasn't focused solely on that to begin with. But now you just made sure that you have a reminder to focus you back on the pain.

Im disgusted at how twisted it was of her (or you, because I know you're going to read this...) to post a picture of that cut...I was completely disgusted and went to throw up as soon as I saw that. Twisted.

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Btw, as I searced "self-harm" in Google Images in order to come up with the pictures for this, I was completely disgusted. My bruising was absolutely no better than this, but now that I see this stuff...ick.
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Picking Up The Pieces - 1/23/10

Nothing hurts more than feeling second-best. <--I feel this often :/

When you purposely say that you will not do the right thing and that you will screw up a relationship because the other person messed up, I lose respect for you in an instant. Sorry Dad, Im such a Daddy's Girl and I tell you everything and you have to be both parents for me and Jordan, but...Ive lost respect for you as you destroy the relationship you have with you kids because you want to prove your authority...


Alright, ranting day...hmm...mkay, story time -

Looking in the mirror the young girl sits at the edge of the bathroom counter, peers into the mirror, and examines the face that she puts on for the rest of the world.

Eyeliner and mascara to make her eyes look less red - Check. Powder to make the flush of her constant fever go away - Check. Concealer to hide the purple under her eyes - Check. Lip gloss to make her lips look natural and not ghostly pale and blue - Check. Fake smile to hide the emotions - Check. Eyes that hide the truth - Check.

She's ready to start her day as someone she doesn't even know. A stranger.

And she's slowly building up her confidence inside to take that one day every month or so that she takes off the makeup and discards the fancy clothes for sweats and a t-shirt. The day that the world finally sees how bad she truly is.

Shes cold inside and feverish outside. Shes sick, but she doesn't want pity. She needs help but she doesn't want to end up like her mom. Shes angry but she doesn't want to have someone else listen to her problems. Shes sad but she doesn't want to waste her tears. Shes depressed but she doesn't want to take the pills. Shes tired but she doesn't want to waste the day in dreams. Shes different but she doesn't want to take the chance of someone criticizing her. Shes smart but she doesn't want to face the expectations. Shes a completely different person than the one everyone sees but she doesn't want the world to know how she is. They would never except it.

She picks up a book about suicide and sending out tapes to the people who ultimately tied together to screw her life up. And she thinks its brilliant and she starts to list the names and make the connections. And then she sees what shes doing and she cries, crumples the paper, and throws it off into an unseen corner and just sobs. Shes broken but wheres the glue that will put her back together again?

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I dunno where that glue is, but find it soon please ):
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Life Updates -

I am sooo sore, sooo tired, and sooo completely drained. And sick, don't forget sick.

Im Sore Because: I went to a skating party fundraiser for my sisters school, well shes a 4th grader so all these 9 year olds kept purposely tripping me 'cause I was her sister, and I am bruised ALL OVER!

Im Tired Because: My medicine hates me =P Stupid side effects. I always have exaggerated side effects so "fatigue" is equal to "you could sleep and if it was up to you, you would never wake up again, you're so tired." <---Probably exaggerated a little xD

Im Sick Because: Another lovely side effect of my meds is Nasal Congestion. So I sound stuffed up. But I still have my cough. A month and a half later. Not as constant, but when I do cough its like an episode and lasts forever and REEEAAALLLY hurts!

More Of My Medicines Side Effects That I Might Develop: Nausea, Insomnia (difficulty sleeping), Fatigue and drowsiness, Increased sweating, Back pain, Urinary tract infection, Vomiting, and Nasal congestion. <---FML. >:(


***Im not gonna do a Reading Corner today, because 13 Reasons Why is a major thing for me to talk about, and Im going to devote an entire blog post to it sometime soon, and since Im not reading any other books, the Reading Corner shall be empty for a bit. Sorry!

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This 3rd section will be a bunch of pictures (and not the pretty photography):























THATS ALL FOR THE DAY!

-Yours Truly,
Ry (:


P.S. - Comments, Reviews, Suggestions, Criticism = APPRECIATED!
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P.P.P.P.S. - PLEASE COMMENT THE FIRST SECTION AT LEAST!
P.P.P.P.P.S. - The first section means the most to me :/

*Cough* Miserable *Cough* - 1/18/10

Bonjour Blog Readers (:

This is just a little speech to all those people who aren't happy with their life:

Make a change. For all our sakes, make a change. If you arent happy, the people around you wont be happy. Its a lose-lose situation. Now, at the end of the first month of '10, you need to realize that now is the time for changes. You can set these little goals for throughout the year. You can lose friends and you can make friends. You can change your appearance, and you can change your philosophy. Look at your life and see why you are unhappy. And then change it.

Is it because you feel like Robin to your Batman best friend? Stand up and say that you wont be the sidekick anymore.

Is it because your boyfriend plays with your emotions too much? Tell him your emotions arent toys that he can pick up and throw away with disregard.

Is it because you feel like your wearing a mask? Break down that wall you've put up and let people know the real you.

Is it because you arent happy with your appearance? Look at yourself and truthfully evaluate yourself. Either you wont be as bad as you think, or you'll be motivated to make the changes you need to.

But please, dont settle for a second rate, miserable making lifestyle. I dont care who you are, you deserve better. Much better.


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All I have time for today, Ill add to it tomorrow!
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-Yours Truly,
Ry (:

Nap Time Isn't For Preschool Anymore - 1/17/09

Agh, stupid meds =P Blame them for the lack of blogging!

So spanking your kids - discipline or unneeded contact?

I personally see this as unneeded contact. If you arent the kind of person that can get someones attention without contact, what are you doing as a parent? Little kids = Bad listeners. You have to have some patients. Its kinda pointless. 'Cause the kid can see it as "Hmm, get in trouble and have a little pain for a little period of time or be a good little kid who is perfect and does what they're told even when they don't like it?" <--- If I was that kid, Id be screaming so I didnt have to take out the trash or something =P

Now it can also be, you get spanked and then you still have to do whatever. Then its extra pointless to be bad. But you make a point. And it just happens without a thought. You dont like it, so you make your opinion known.

But it spanking a child really the way to do it? Some people say "Well my parents spanked me and look how I turned out!" Uhh, working a 9-5, hating your job, and doing what everyone tells you to? You've been scared into following orders and being submissive. How boring...

On the other hand, some people get spanked, and when they grow up they learn from their parent's parenting mistakes, and they DONT spank their kids. So people call it a parenting mistake. Completely unnecessary. You have kids, learn how to control them verbally, not with your hand.

My parents never spanked me. They dont spank my sister. And they controlled us and we NEVER even thought about acting out in the grocery store or something. We were disciplined with words not contact.

Any opinions on the matter? Comment :D

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Tomorrow will be a free day of ranting =P
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Life Updates -

Ive been taking 3 hour long naps due to the drowsiness side effect of my meds. And the other side effect Ive apparently acquired is nasal congestion =P Either that or I have serious sinus issues. I really hope its not the latter because that can very easily mean Ill have to take more medicine. And sinus medicine has the potential to cause drowsiness. Which is most definitely NOT what I need more of. Im having serious issues concentrating in school. And Im lucky that I understand all these new concepts so when the teacher calls on me (which they seldomly do, because they think the other kids need to answer xD) I can answer the question without looking stupid for not knowing anything. Agh, I hope the longer Im on these meds, the lesser the side effects will be. Ill make the sacrifice of being drowsy to feel better though...

Reading Corner!

So I finished reading The Color Purple, and I truly loved it. Once you get over the way the spelling and grammar is messed up, you can really get into the book. And the story lines are kinda sorta split up. They are all joined and then you hear how they split, and then they come back together for the end xD The only part I REALLY didnt care to read was the part where Nettie (the main character's sister.) goes to Africa and does mission things and has Celie's (the main character) children with her and talks about how it is there. It just really doesnt appeal to me. I skipped it and didnt feel like I missed much of the story. But the best part of this book was not only is Celie going through the troubles of being an African woman, shes also apparently a lesbian, which makes even more troubles for her. NOTE: This book really isnt suitable for under a 8th or 9th grade level. Mature content.

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13 Reasons Why is next (:
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For the third section I'll put up a picture (:





THATS ALL FOLKS ;)

-Yours Truly
Ry (:

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